wade the tides

Bangin' The Headboard

2010-08-17T19:51:00.001-07:00

I'm in a bit of an awkward situation right now, and could use some advice. Let me explain...

The apartment complex that I live in has both good and bad qualities.

The good:

- Spacious
- Ridiculously well priced (especially for northern NJ)
- I have my own garage
- Well maintained (aside from a few eyesores here and there)
- Beautiful hardwood floors

The bad:

- The walls are paper thin
- The electrical wiring is old (the breaker trips once in awhile)

Now, since the good far outweighs the bad, I'd like to stay here awhile. It's only about 12 miles from NYC, the 40-45 minute commute to my job isn't really that terrible, the area is really safe, and I'm paying about $500 less a month than I would anywhere else in the vicinity. That's insane.

Normally, noise isn't a problem at all. When living in any older apartment complex, it's expected that you hear people walking around, muffled conversations, TVs on once in awhile, music playing, etc. The good thing is that the people I live with are usually pretty respectful of the time. Once 10-11PM comes around, it's quiet as a mouse. The other night I accidentally had music up around 11:30PM, and my upstairs neighbor came downstairs to ask that I lower it. I did immediately, and felt so bad that I even went to an amazing bakery the next day to buy pastries for them as a peace offering. (Give cannolis to an Italian couple for no reason; see how siked they get. I think I made friends for life.)

My point is that most people are considerate; except for the woman that I share my bedroom wall with.

Said neighbor likes to get down... at all hours of the night. Sunday night it was 3AM. Last night it was 4AM.

Now look; I obviously have no issue with that at all. We're all adults here. Get it, girl. My issue lies with the fact that her headboard bangs our shared wall loud enough to wake me up. If she can hear it (which she obviously can), it means I can hear it, and that's just not being respectful.

So, I thought about some of my options. It's not like I can just leave a note on her door that says something like:

"Hey neighbor. Remember that time I saw you blowing a guy in your kitchen with the window wide open? The way you closed the blinds with his dick still in your mouth was incredible. You have the heart of a champion. I just have a small request. Can you move your bed a couple of inches away from the wall? The way you're gettin' it in at all hours of the night is keeping me up and really screwing with my schedule. Thanks!"

So, here's what I came up with. None of them seem feasible, but for giggles, I'm going to put them here anyway.

1) Fix her piece of shit bed

Give me $40 and 20 minutes in Home Depot. I would engineer that thing to be stronger than a tank. The issue is bringing up why I would like to perform said task. I mean, I already helped her install her air conditioning when summer came around (and she seemed quite appreciative), so maybe she just needs a Mr. Fix It. "Hey, there's no easy way for me to say this, but your headboard is banging into my wall at night. Do you think you could move your bed or let me help you fix it?" Awkward.

2) Embarrass her to the point where she might start being considerate

I remember when I ran into her after the whole kitchen window incident. (Yes, that story above is true.) She turned red. Nothing happened for awhile after that. Maybe if I make a joke about her escapades the next time I see her, she'll get the hint. Or, when she asks how I'm doing, just say "I'm reallllllllllllllllly tired. Someone with a banging headboard is keeping me up at night."

3) Sleep with earplugs in and say nothing

I pretty much refuse to do this. I don't think I should have to. Seeing as the solution to my problem is so simple (just move/fix your bed!), I don't think I should have to grin and bear it.

4) Yell shit through the wall at them

I've come pretty close to saying horrible things through the wall, but have kept my cool thus far. That's just not really the type of guy I am. Besides, I don't think yelling "JUST FUCKING COME ALREADY SO I CAN GO TO SLEEP" will make either of them finish faster.

5) Wait for sweet revenge

If you read my blog, you already know that my dating life is a joke; but I could just wait for sweet revenge. One night she's going to be sleeping soundly, and we'll see who gets woken up. The problem with this is I actually have an amazingly sturdy, heaven-like bed; and I really don't want to piss off the people above me.

So, what would you do, internet? I'm open to suggestions.

-Nick

Keep The Change, You Filthy Animal

2010-08-16T02:03:00.000-07:00

I spent last weekend down in Atlantic City for a 3 day bachelor party. I don't go out to clubs all that much because it's not really my scene, but I happened to notice something pretty hilarious this time out. There is only one way to get into a good club (The Pool) being a group of about 12 dudes. 1) Show up early, and 2) Dish out cash. This meant we were inside by 11PM getting bottle service.

Before going behind the ropes and all of that (oh you fancy, huh?) I grabbed a drink at the bar in the middle of the joint. What I saw looked like a high school dance. All of the girls were on the right hand side, and all of the guys were on the left. It was almost like watching a National Geographic special.

By 3AM, everyone was smashed and it was a free-for-all. I just sat there taking it all in for a bit. No matter how civilized and proper people are, when inhibitions get lowered, we're all just a bunch of animals acting on instinct.

-Nick

Do You Have A Goal?

2010-07-20T16:45:00.000-07:00

I've always been a pretty goal oriented person. The type that finds something he wants and then goes for it. Last year I spent some time in Italy, and while bouncing around the streets of Rome, I had a ridiculous idea. After seeing so many well dressed people buzzing around the busy streets on mopeds, scooters, and motorcycles... I was determined to ride a motorcycle in a suit before I died.

Pretty dumb goal, huh? Silly to some, but I was determined to do it. There was just this insane vibe I got from the women blasting by me on Vespas in pencil skirts and men upshifting in 3 piece suits on Ducatis. Why not me? So I decided to start the process.

Step 1: Learn How To Ride A Motorcycle

I had driven a manual car twice in my life at this point. I knew the mechanics of how to shift, but had no idea if I would be able to do it on a bike while maintaining balance, using the throttle, being aware of what was around me, stopping, etc. I figured the best way to learn would be to take a legitimate course. So, I bought myself a nice helmet and a set of gloves, and enrolled in a 4 day Motorcycle Safety Foundation class. I figured that doing it like this would teach me things from top to bottom the right way. On day 1 I was shifting clean and buzzing through cones. I picked it up way faster than I ever thought I would. Long story short, I passed the class with flying colors, passed my DMV motorcycle road test, and officially got my motorcycle license.

The problem is that you can't really get experience in if you don't have a bike to ride. I enjoyed it so much, I figured I would do some research, test out a few, and see where the wind took me.

Last Friday I took the day off work and rented this sucker to try out:

The Harley Iron 883. I rode it through 2 towns to get accustomed to how it handled, took it on a highway trip to get some lunch, and then said to myself "Hey, I wonder what riding from NY to my job is like on Route 80." So, I did that 90 mile round trip at a solid 70 mph. When I first saw the bike, I was in love... but as it turned out, the thing was just too small and sluggish for me. I also hated the air cleaner placement and really didn't want to have to ride with forward controls. Those points aside, I fell in love with riding and decided I was going to buy myself a bike.

Step 2: Buy A God Damned Motorcycle

After much research, multiple trips to dealers, and some drool coming out of my face, I narrowed it down to 2 bikes.

The Ducati Sport Classic GT1000:

and

The 2010 Triumph Bonneville T100 Jet Black Edition:

Two very different yet similar bikes. 60's/70's vibe... but one outperforms the other by a mile. The Ducati has about as much horsepower as my car and isn't really a beginner's bike... but boy did I like it. The Bonneville T100 was a beautiful, beginner friendly moto... but with 30 less horsepower than the Duc. After talking with the dealer (and actually getting some honest information out of them), I wound up buying the Bonneville T100. It just felt right when I sat on it. Holy shit, I just bought a motorcycle.

Step 3: Ride The Motorcycle In A Motherfucking Suit

I promised myself I wouldn't ride without protection. Not until I become seasoned enough to really know what I'm doing, anyway. Sooner or later the time will come... and when that day comes I will buy myself a new Ben Sherman suit, have it tailored, and go for a spin somewhere. No reason. No particular destination. I just want to do it.

I'm on my way. Speaking of being on my way, I made another pretty big decision this week. After talking with my advisor and bosses at work, I'm going back to school to start my doctorate. Next semester. As in, 6 weeks from today. I signed on the dotted line.

Shit just got real. The reasons I had for not doing my PhD so soon just couldn't hold water anymore. The entrance exams will be manageable if I study hard enough. I can make time to have fun as long as I prioritize and manage my time efficiently. I'm not getting any younger, and the longer I sit stagnant the more effort will be needed to get my brain back in action to it's full potential.

So, that's that. I want to get my doctorate, tattoo my hands and neck, and ride my god damned motorcycle.

You only live once. Do what you want.

-Nick

I Know What Boys Like

2010-07-08T11:54:00.000-07:00

Remember that time I was straight edge? Me too. Over the past year and change though I have discovered that booze, to me, is pretty much a beautiful and relaxing truth serum. I'm not even going to lie; between the vacation I just took, my best friends birthday, July 4th BBQs, and recent NYC visits, my liver is waving a white flag right now. The good news is that incredible gems of video like this were recorded:

"Guys don't want the nice girl. Guys want the whore disguised as the nice girl."

We want the best of both worlds. The apron wearing, cookie baking, lipstick applying, always smiling, kiss you on the cheek when you come home from work without asking, beautiful girl... with Agent Provocateur lingerie underneath her pristine get-up waiting to do absolutely terrible, terrible, things to you later in the day. The problem is that finding this combination can be comparable to finding a unicorn. I've been with nice girls. By gosh golly, they were sweet... but I just couldn't get them out of their shells. We want escargot status.

The image I posted above is the reason why so many people are unhappy. We all have unrealistic expectations. Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade. Good luck finding the balance.

-Nick

If It Wasn't For Bad Luck...

2010-06-22T17:36:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't have no luck at all.

For a good portion of my life I've had really rare medical conditions. I don't want to list all of them here, but let's just say that they haven't been fun. I've had friends tell me that they can't understand how so many bad things can happen to one person.

Just when I was seriously working on getting in shape, another medical problem came along and ended that. A doctor told me today that I'll need to put P90X on hold for awhile. On one hand, I'm really bummed out... because I was already seeing good results and making progress. On the other hand, I feel like I can relax and enjoy my summer more. I'm not sure what to think at the moment.

I'm taking about a week off of work to recover from some minor surgery. I've had a pretty bad run of bad luck lately. Everything from buying a $3000 bed that I still can't sleep through the night on (I may actually have to return the thing... which will wind up costing me a bunch of money), to getting sick while trying to make a change in my life for the better. All I can do is try and stay positive. It's getting pretty hard these days though.

I just hope I can heal within the next few weeks and enjoy this summer. Something's got to give.

-Nick

A Year Ago

2010-05-25T17:47:00.000-07:00

I looked at my calendar today and realized that I finished graduate school a year ago. I think I finished a lot of things a year ago. People have epiphanies throughout their lives and I feel like I've had more than a few in the past 365 days. My original plan was to finish grad school, take a year off, and then dive into a PhD program. It hasn't exactly worked out like that.

To put it simply, a year off hasn't been enough. It flew by faster than I ever imagined. 9 straight years of working and going to school at the same time has taken its toll. I feel like I missed out on life. I feel like I haven't traveled enough. I feel like I haven't experienced much. The main reason I wanted to go back to school so soon is because honestly, it's really been the only thing I've ever been good at. The usual mantra is bury yourself in work to avoid dealing with things you're unhappy with in life. I can't do it anymore. I've done it my entire life. I can't sign on to a 5-6 year commitment with no days off just so at the end of it someone can call me "doctor". I'll only put myself back into a hole and wake up 35 years old having dedicated what are seemingly the best years of my life (engineers apparently hit their peak around 30) to obtaining a piece of paper. I need to start attempting to find solutions to particular issues before I turn around and my youth is gone.

The things I need to work on aren't out of this universe. I just need to learn how to better socially interact with people. I need to figure out how to work on the perception of my self image as something more than what currently exists. I've made some progress over the past year by opening up and becoming a bit more vocal; but at the same time I feel as though some days I've regressed. It changes daily. All I can do is take it one day at a time.

I think that part of me has mellowed out in the past year when it comes to tunnel vision. Some people used to see me as this guy who was solely concerned with buying a house and driving a nice car. None of that shit really matters to me. Do I want it all someday? Absolutely; and I plan to work hard to get it... but I don't drive an S550 and I am nowhere near close to being able to buy a house in this state. Honestly, I don't want to have to eat ramen and peanut butter and jelly to do so. Fuck that. You only live once. I refuse to be sucked into this rat race. I'll take my modest 1 bedroom apartment and the ability to pretty much go/do whatever I want at any time over that nonsense. If I want something, I'm going to buy it for myself. I'm not saying you don't need to find a balance between "in the now" and the future, but I absolutely refuse to bust my ass and scrimp and save my entire life just to say I own a piece of property.

I feel like I'm standing alone in the middle of a field. I'm done with school for the time being, I have my own place, my bills are paid, I'm almost out of student loan debt, and I'm sitting here trying to figure out what's next.

Guess it's all part of growing up.

-Nick

What Grinds My Gears - v1.0

2010-05-15T01:47:00.000-07:00

I had another blog ages ago that I kept to myself. One day I just got frustrated with little things that were annoying me and I wound up ranting about how awful supermarket saver cards were for a solid 15 minutes. I actually found the picture I used on my old hard drive:

God damn I still hate those things.

Keeping in the tradition of writing about things that are annoying, here is What Grinds My Gears - v1.0.

1) Smart Cars

I despise Smart cars. Not because I think they are designed poorly (they aren't), or because they are bad on gas (they aren't); but because they simply aren't economically viable compared to other cars on the market. The cheapest, most basic Smart car is about $13k at the dealer. $13k before taxes and fees, that is. It gets about 33 mpg city and 41 mpg highway. All this for a completely deconstructed and Americanized version of a pretty cool little car originally made by Mercedes Benz. (They sold off the rights for the US market. The god damned engine is a smaller dumbed down version produced by Mitsubishi now.)

Without boring you with the math (including the gas consumption differential; which yes, I just did real quick), you can buy a much bigger/nicer car that actually has room for your ballbag as well as your groceries for the same amount of money. You didn't buy the car to save the environment; you bought the car to look like bozo. Hey, to each their own; but you won't catch me driving around in a walnut anytime soon.

2) Pleated Pants

The only thing that blows my mind more than the fact that companies still make these is that people still wear them. If you're a bigger dude, you look like a fucking accordion. If you're a smaller dude, you look like a fucking accordion. I don't know my ass from my elbow when it comes to fashion, but I do know this: Looking like a fairly obscure musical instrument is probably not a good idea.

3) English Units

This type of thing won't matter to most people, but as an engineer it drives me insane and makes my job a pain in the ass. I hate English units. Inches, feet, gallons: GTFO. Metric for life. Even god damned NASA lost a $125 million dollar Mars orbiter because of a unit mix up. I'm fully aware that writing this is making it brutally apparent at what a nerd I am. Do I care? Nope.

4) Movie Remakes

That's not Mr. Miyagi. That's not Daniel-san. What the fuck is going on here?

Are we really that out of ideas that we need to re-make all of the movies I loved growing up? Karate Kid, Short Circuit, Clash of the Titans, Nightmare on Elm Street, etc. It's getting ridiculous. I'm sure all of these movies can be found on DVD and Blu-Ray today. What gives? It seems like people think "Well, that's already been done before. Might as well just re-do it to make some cash." It's kind of a bummer. I mean shit, even Avatar is just Ferngully (which came out in 1992, might I add) with some fancy special effects. America has to have more brains than that, people. Let's step it up.

5) Fixed Gear Bikes

You're not training for a marathon; you just like riding a bike that makes no sense. I haven't really ridden a bike in quite some time, but I'll say this: If I WAS going to ride a bike, I would like it to be able to do the following things: 1) stop, and 2) stop. Going downhill without having my knees bounce into my elbows at 300 mph would also be pretty sweet. Listen, I get it. These bikes look really cool. What I don't understand is the rest. I have no idea why they are so popular (especially in places like San Francisco, where the hills would be absolute murder on a fixed gear), and I guess I never will.

On a less crotchety note, I pretty much finished my place. All I'm waiting on now is for my bed to be delivered in 4-6 weeks. It's going to be pretty swank. Still deciding on if I want to drop the money on a Tempurpedic mattress set or not. People have told me that they "are wonderful for sleeping, but forget about doing anything else on it." Not exactly what I wanted to hear.

Check out these 2 quick pano shots I did of my living room (click to make them bigger):

Over and out,

-Nick

The Past 30

2010-05-04T11:48:00.000-07:00

Talk about a writing hiatus. This is where I have been the past 30 days:

I've only spent a total of about 10 nights in my new apartment and for more than half of them I've been bouncing around the greater NYC region. This is the most "personally" busy I have ever been in my life. I really haven't stopped moving. Things almost seem like they are going too good right now. It's as if I'm waiting for something bad to happen of some sort. Maybe I'm just not used to cards flipping in my favor.

On a side note, I saw Minus the Bear play a secret show last night in the basement of a bar in Manhattan. It brought me back to my undergrad days when I took trips to Philly to check them out; like the time I saw them with about 50 people at the Khyber. Just standing in front of Dave Knudson and being in awe at what a unique and phenomenal guitar player he is.

Here's a shot of his pedal setup I snapped last night with my iPhone (yes, I was superfan 99 and stood directly in front of him):

"It'll be like playing Dance Dance Revolution up there."

This is one of the few bands I listen to that I can honestly say has been mind blowing since day one. You should go get their new record titled OMNI today. If you're not into it, your ears probably don't work.

The first single (My Time) is amazing. It sounds like it could be played during the ending credits of a blockbuster film, uses a Japanese omnichord synthesizer (hence the record title), and the lyrics are filthy. Pretty much perfect in my book.

"Turn off the lights and touch me in the dark. Fade into the feeling. Whisper in my ear what you want; what you need. Tell me my name. Tell me my name... again, again, again, again. Just yell out my name baby."

Moving into my own place was by far one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Here's to more good times ahead,

-Nick

Moving On Up

2010-04-06T09:45:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in awhile; and that's mainly been due to the fact that I just moved. I simply haven't had an internet connection or the time to do just about anything aside from go crazy trying to get my new place in somewhat-of-an-order before I start hopping planes again.

After 10 years of living with roommates, I finally have my own place. It feels amazing. I can't really describe it, but I have a whole new level of energy. I never have to wait to take a shower in the morning. Everything is being decorated the way I want it. I will never have to clean up someone else's crumbs ever again.

I'm spending a lot of time and money painting, getting artwork custom framed, planning out small details, and designing a layout that I will be proud to come home to. I feel like my new living space is now an extension of myself instead of a bunch of other people.

Here's some progress thusfar:

Move in day. Empty boxes and empty space.

I chose to do a red accent wall to separate my living area from my dining area. This was 2 coats of paint deep. I wound up needing almost 5 to get the proper color tone.

Set up my new TV/TV stand/coffee table.

I already have the artwork picked out and in time the place will eventually come together. I even went out and got curtains to match subtle color schemes for the entire place. Chocolate in the living room/dining room to complement the furniture and red wall, silver/grey for the bedroom to complement both the GIANT 7 foot by 5 foot canvas print of NYC I purchased as well as the silver trim on my new 7 foot by 3 foot mirror, and red for the kitchen to offset the red dining room wall.

Not bad for a 28 year old straight guy huh?

My neighbors have been wonderful so far, and in time, I really think I am going to enjoy living here.

I'll be back soon with more witty ranting.

-Nick

Online Dating

2010-03-22T10:06:00.000-07:00

"Online dating is the equivalent of diving through a dumpster praying you come across something edible that's not past the expiration date." - Yours Truly

Following in the footsteps of the "Reasons I'm Undateable" post, I'm going to share with you the tale of trying to find a decent woman on the internet. I know, I know. Embarrassment. Shame. Mortification. However, let me remind you of a few things:

1) I'm an engineer. I spend 9 hours a day in a concrete facility with no windows, full of men with Asperger syndrome, in a remote location in the state of NJ. Not exactly babe central.

2) My friends have all boned each other.

3) It's no secret that my standards are pretty high.

4) Going to packed bars and attempting to have meaningful conversations with strangers when alcohol is involved is a challenge.

What other options do I have to expand my social circle? Couldn't hurt, right?

Let's run down the roster:

eHarmony.com - Tried it.
match.com - Tried it.
OKCupid.com - On it.

Reviews:

1) eHarmony

At some point last year I decided to do the whole personality profile thing on eHarmony for shits and giggles. I went through the process and the thing was frighteningly accurate. I don't just mean vaguely accurate in certain aspects, either. It was dead on. So dead on, I decided to shell out the money and give it a whirl. The layout of the website was absolutely awful. Most of my matches were small Indian and Asian women. About a handful were in the tri-state area. I was attracted to maybe 3 in the US that met the criteria I was looking for. Trying to actually talk to someone you were interested in was a very lengthy, ridiculous process that I just couldn't hang with. I canceled my account the day I was matched with a girl who had one eye.

2) match.com

A friend of mine came over my house to hang one night and I was telling her about how bad eHarmony was. She pulled up match.com on my computer, told me she was on it, and that I should give it a shot. Under her account I stumbled across this incredibly cute scientist. I signed up the next day; the same day the girl I wanted to talk to canceled her account. I never met anyone from this website. The only girls who have been interested in me include the following: a 30+ year old who looks like she stepped out of a Hot Topic circa 1999 (complete with elbow length gloves, skullcap, and neon bracelets) that works from home as a psychic, a 30+ year old that still lives with her parents, girls with children, and girls who have no education or career path. I forgot to cancel my account in the allotted period of time and was charged another $70 recently. Son of a bitch.

3) OKCupid.com

OKCupid is free. Not only is it free, but it's the best one out of the bunch. Does that mean it's awesome? Absolutely not. It's not the fault of the creators, though. Some brilliant people came up with the matching algorithms and interface. The problem lies in the selection pool. This is the only website where I've been legitimately interested in a few people. I even met a fairly heavily tattooed girl that was working on her PhD. She was rad, but something just wasn't there for me. The other girls I wanted to talk to had no interest; even the educated tattooed ones. I found that slightly odd (because seriously, I am the bee's knees and all) but no harm, no foul.

This is my major beef with online dating:

1) False Advertisement

Listen; it is expected that people put up pictures of themselves that they think are flattering. Everyone does it. I do it. What I don't do is falsely advertise. I'm 5 feet 10.5 inches and 163 pounds of tattooed, shaved headed, scientist of a man. Unfortunately, not everyone is as straight of a shooter as I am.

Luckily, I am far too nice of a person to post actual pictures (even though I know some of my friends are completely hoping I will; yelling things at the screen such as "THEY DESERVE IT!"), but for comedy's sake, I am going to post some representations of things I have had to deal with.

Case 1)

Exhibit A (online):

Babe.

Exhibit B (actual):

Rhino.

I wish I was kidding. This girl had the education, the career, and the quality taste in music. What she didn't have was a mirror or perception of reality. I sincerely want to high five the person who taught her how to use Photoshop. Boy was she salty when I said I was no longer interested. Oof.

Case 2)

Exhibit C (online):

Babe.

Exhibit D (actual):

Space cadet.

I don't think this girl lived on the same planet as me. Have you ever just talked to a person who wasn't there? "I used to be really skinny." Yup, you sure were... YEARS ago.

Do I feel slightly bad posting stuff like this? A little, truthfully. However, there is a definitive line between posting good pictures of yourself and being downright deceptive. Shame on you.

2) Insanity

I'm going to give you a brief sample of some of the messages I've gotten over the past few months. They include gems such as:

"My location really isn't California. It's NJ. I just had to change it because I have a few stalkers from this website."

"My relationship is kind of on the rocks right now, so I'm open to meeting new people..."

"I just have to warn you, I have a cat Christmas tree. Like every December it's decorated with just cat ornaments."

I also can't forget about the one from the 19 year old with the baby whose dream in life was to be a housewife, or the others from clueless/directionless 20-21 year olds. I'm 28 for crying out loud. "What am I going to do with you? Put a birthday hat on you?"

...and so on and so forth.

3) Literacy and Command of the English Language

This follows on the heels of some of the types of messages I get daily. If any of these girls actually read what I wrote, none of them would contact me. It pretty clearly states I am the kind of gent that goes after the educated, career driven type. In addition, I don't consider myself a good writer by any means, but I do have fairly decent grammar. If a message is full of spelling errors and abbreviations, it's a wrap. I'm an adult, you're an adult. OMG yr cute. No. Please stop.

Here is the conclusion:

The girls I want to meet don't do online dating. They are far too busy wearing pencil skirts in offices somewhere getting hit on by guys in tailored suits. However, I am keeping the slight hope that there may be someone else out there in my shoes. You never know. I mean hey, I did meet a girl working on her doctorate.

I'm going to leave you with some screen caps of wonderful text messages one of my BFFs sent over the other night:

I have pretty fantastic friends. Just sayin'.

Here's to more ridiculous stories,

-Nick

Shit That Rules

2010-03-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

Spring is in the air. That means people here in the greater NYC metro area are slowly shedding their winter skin. They are instantly becoming ever so slightly happier (myself included). Let's do away with the negative for a moment, shall we? In honor of one of the first "Windows Down, Music Up" days of 2010, I'm going to write about shit that rules.

1) Pancakes

Pancakes fucking rule. I happen to believe that they are one of the all time ultimate breakfast foods. Sometimes I wake up on Sunday morning and the only thing I want to do is find them. Have you ever had a pumpkin banana pecan pancake? I bet you haven't. You probably should. It made my taste buds moonwalk.

2) Sundresses

Listen; I don't know who designed the first sundress, but I want to kiss them on the mouth. There is no better garment for a girl to wear during the spring/summer than these little creations from heaven. There's just something so god damned wholesome and cute about a sundress while remaining incredibly sexy. I'm all about it. "Way you wear those dresses, the sun comes shinin' through. Way you wear those dresses, the sun comes shinin' through. I can't believe my eyes, all that mess belongs to you."

3) High End Lingerie

Sweet baby Jesus. Everybody should read that book. (Yes, there is actually text in there.) If you're a woman that loves Agent Provocateur, get at me. I think I should have been born in a time when girls still regularly wore thigh highs and garter belts. I'd lose my mind on the daily.

This classic shot from The Graduate says it all.

4) Music

Music has been my favorite thing in the world ever since I was about 12 years old. It's been there for me during the best times of my life and has gotten me through the worst. These are some records (off the top of my head) that I've been spinning lately which I highly recommend:

Beck - Sea Change
Denali - Denali
Freelance Whales - Weathervanes
Four Year Strong - Enemy of the World
Bat For Lashes - Two Suns
The xx - XX
Minus the Bear - Planet of Ice
Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
Massive Attack - Heligoland
Slugabed - Ultra Heat Treated

Open your ears and let the party start.

5) Inside Jokes

My best friend just bought me a doormat as a housewarming gift that says NO DIRTY FEETZ. Do you know what that means? Nope; but I do, and I'll laugh every fucking time I walk into my new apartment because of it. See also: Lodootz, FAT DADDY, Thine Onions Shall Be Crisp, Get Your Sweet and Sour Sauced, WDYJFMA, and Cap Spinner.

6) American Cars Manufactured Between 1949 and 1954

These were the glory days for the American automobile. Holy shit. The designs that were coming out of this country were phenomenal. The '49-'50 Mercs, '49-'51 Fords, '53-'54 Chevys, '50-'53 Buicks, etc. were all such beautiful cars. What's even better is that customizing these babies turns them into completely incredible, drivable, and badass works of art.

Oh hi, I'm a 1950 Ford Sedan that's been chopped, shaved, lowered, and flamed. Get in my garage, now.

7) Moving Into My Own Place

Sweet motherfucking freedom. There are only 2 weeks left until I'm done with roommates forever. I'm already buying art for the walls and looking at furniture. While I'm not going to be in Brooklyn or NYC, I'll be a mere 12 miles away. I can handle that.

I have a feeling that this spring/summer are going to be awesome.

Here's to keeping that PMA.

-Nick

Prescription: Party

2010-03-12T19:01:00.000-08:00

I'm about to get personal (and physical).

This week I was diagnosed with a sort-of-untreatable pain condition called Pelvic Pain Syndrome. After going to the doctor and discussing everything with him, I saw him pull out an Rx pad and he started writing.

I thought to myself "Sweet. I'll get a prescription and everything will be good again." Wrong. He wrote down a book I needed to read and talks from some Stanford doctors on YouTube I needed to watch. Son of a bitch.

Watch the first 20 seconds of this clip:

"Pelvic pain syndromes tend to happen to the brightest and most accomplished of people in the society. The overachievers who carry all kinds of responsibilities. Doctors, lawyers, engineers, investment bankers, programmers, CEOs... are commonly afflicted with this problem."

OH. It appears as though in my quest to take over the world, I have involuntarily screwed myself. "Work hard, reap rewards!" has turned into "Work hard, pain in your cock!" (No, really. The pelvic muscles basically spasm and cause multiple types of discomfort in and around your junk. TMI; sorry.)

Even though my stress levels have come down significantly since finishing graduate school, apparently I still need to "take it easy" and relax more. The good news is that I should be fine in time by doing exercises and adjusting my lifestyle a bit. I don't feel nearly as bad as I did a few days ago, and things are already getting better... but this experience has really made me take a step back and finally realize I need to learn how to turn my brain off.

The kicker is this: orgasms help.

So wait a minute. I need to not stress as much anymore, relax, and have more orgasms. The god damned doctor just involuntarily told me I need to party and get laid.

This is the type of shit where I sit back and say "this could only happen to me."

-Nick

Reasons I'm Undateable

2010-03-05T15:02:00.000-08:00

I was talking about this briefly with someone last night, so I figured I would spill my guts. That's the whole point of this journal thing, isn't it?

I'm about to explain to you why I am single. Part of me thought about using actual mathematics, but in reality, all of the numbers would just be piss poor meaningless generalizations with no value. I may or may not use some charts and graphs, though.

I don't think I'm undateable because I'm some self-loathing prick; it's actually the contrary. I can be quite the charmer (in all aspects) when warranted. (In fact, the coworkers of the last girl I dated didn't even call me by my name. They called me Prince Charming. That about sums it up.)

So, on with it. I give to you: reasons why I'm undateable.

1) I'm atheist.

This is hard for a lot of people to swallow. (That's what she said. Zing!) I can't date someone who is serious about an organized religion. Someone that wants to get married in a church? Never, ever, EVER. This immediately cuts out approximately 90-95% of the general population.

2) I have no desire to have children.

Most women want to reproduce. It's something biological that I simply will never be able to understand. I've written about my thoughts on children before (see this post and this post), so I won't re-hash; but the times are a changin'. "If we can barely take care of ourselves, how are we supposed to take care of someone else?" I will say this though: I am not ruling out kids forever. There may come a time in my life where I meet a woman so amazing my opinion will change. Do I see it happening? More than likely, no.

3) I am not attracted to women in the same ways that most men are.

I already know what you're thinking. "This dude is totally in the closet." Unfortunately, I'm not. I really think if I was gay my life would be a whole hell of a lot easier. I'd certainly be getting more action; that's for sure. What I'm referring to is the following: A girl can be a total knockout, but if she does not have the same amount of drive and ambition that I do toward a career/becoming independently successful, it's a wrap. I'm not even interested in hooking up with them. GASP! Yes, I said it. Hooking up just isn't really my thing. I've only hooked up with 1 girl in my life that didn't result in a headache for me. I don't like headaches. This may or may not be why I have not had sex in almost a year. TMI? I don't care. That's how you know I'm not bullshitting.

4) "Normal" girls are rarely into heavily tattooed men (or decent music, for that matter).

I gave it a whirl. I sincerely did. To a normal girl, I am a weirdo. I'm not bummed about that; but you can bet your ass that most girls in med school would be terrified to take me home to their mom and dad. Master's degrees or not, there is something wacky about a fella with rainbows all over his body to someone who hasn't been exposed to the subculture. I say subculture here because I'm not talking about having 1 tattoo on your shoulder. I am talking about not being able to see skin anymore.

5) (Most) Tattooed girls (who ARE into tattooed gents) are bananas.

After many years of independently funded research, my thesis can be represented by the following chart:

I hate to be that asshole who generalizes, but in my experience, it's been true. You don't meet too many heavily tattooed girls with their shit together on the same level that I have mine. I want to say though that THEY DO EXIST, and I have met some in the past year or so which has been awesome. Unfortunately, I just haven't been attracted to them or they haven't been attracted to me. No big deal. It is what it is.

6) Everyone has boned everybody else.

Frank Turner says this better than I ever could. You should probably listen to his song called This Town Ain't Big Enough For The One Of Me.

"Everybody round here's been out with everybody else. So talking to girls is hazardous to my health. They've been in this gene pool so long they've got wrinkled toes. I don't want all her exes to be people I know."

7) I truly believe that most men do not like women.

Here is an accurate representation of girls I can stand for more than 20 minutes:

Women: We love you, but we hate you. The lack of logic is the nail in the coffin for me. I was born to solve problems. It's what I get paid to do. One of my biggest downfalls is that I have an INSANELY hard time just "listening" to a girl complain. I try to listen, but in the end, I tell them ways they could make everything better. Instead of actually listening to me and giving the solutions a shot, they just get pissed at me for not listening and keeping quiet. I have no patience for that shit, or for people who complain without taking steps to remedy the situation.

8) I god damned hate pets.

I enjoy my animals dead, cooked (sometimes uncooked), and on a plate in front of me to eat. I have absolutely no desire to pick up dog shit, use a lint roller to remove cat hair from my clothes, clean up animal piss inside of a cage, or find a pet-sitter every time I need to leave my house for more than 24 hours. It's just how I am; at least I admit it.

So, add it all up. The slice of the pie left becomes just about nil. This is why I can really relate to Henry Rollins on a whole multitude of levels. Everything from dating to traveling to weight loss to accomplishing goals you set for yourself and not becoming complacent with your life.

However, all hope is not lost. This article on CNN that came out last week made me pretty happy:

Liberalism, atheism, male sexual exclusivity linked to IQ

Well ho-ly fuck. That explains a lot.

Even with all of these things seemingly stacked against me; I don't want people to think I'm some pessimistic misanthrope. I just think my problem is exposure. The more places I visit and the more people I meet, the better chance I have of coming across someone like-minded.

Until next time,

-Nick

A Look Into the Past

2010-02-28T17:24:00.000-08:00

While this is going to be incredibly embarrassing, I found it interesting enough to write about.

I stopped home today to say hi to my parents and watch the USA/Canada hockey game with my dad. (Oh yeah, they made me veal parmigiana, baked macaroni, sausage, meatballs, and fresh roasted peppers too. I wasn't kidding about that whole food thing.) My parents are cleaning out the house to make some renovations and such, and I came across a few things that made me laugh. A much-too-big Midtown hoodie, a ton of old band shirts, and a letter I wrote to myself almost 11 years ago.

While I was in high school, we had this assignment where we were supposed to write a letter to your future self describing what is going on in your life at the moment and what your hopes are for years down the road. Five years after writing it, they would mail it to the address on file.

Here is the hand-written letter translated in it's entirety (aside from some names being shortened):

========================================================

December 2, 1999

Nick,

I bet you do not remember when you wrote this 5 years ago. The assignment was to write what we are doing now and what will be happening in the future. Well, here's what's going on now:

I'm 17, about to be 18. I'm searching for the right college to attend. Every day I go home and play guitar. My good old SG has done me well. Hanging out with my best friends D, J, and H. H has been teaching me guitar lessons for about a year now! I work at HH with my good friend JR. Bowling and Friendly's has become a staple in my life. Still no girlfriend. It sucks, but oh well. I am a huge music freak. My favorite bands are Blink, New Found Glory, Midtown, Rx Bandits, OCG, MXPX, The Hippos, and any other awesome punk/ska. Playing song after song by these bands gives me great pleasure and passes the time.

Five years from now I hope college will be over and I will have a good job. For god sakes I hope I have a girlfriend too. I hope that whatever job I am at is awesome. Not boring and tiring. Just fun and interesting. Who knows. Maybe you are a guitar expert playing in an awesome band. I hope that you are. I hope you're not still a fatass. As long as you are happy, who cares. Somewhere along the 5 years this will sit in someones attic and I hope you find some action. Hopefully your degrees will be earned and you will be a successful young man. If not, get yourself motivated and be like you used to!

I can't wait to see where all of the moronic kids are these days. The ones clubbing, doing E, and smoking dope all day. I hope this letter reaches you. Maybe you can look back and reflect on high school and what a weird time it was.

Keep playing guitar, lose some weight, and get a hot girlfriend. See you in 5 years.

Nick T.

========================================================

I love how I told myself to get my ass in gear if I wasn't where I wanted to be in life.

Fast forward:

I made the career happen. I finished graduate school. I lost 70 pounds. I still play guitar.

I guess the only thing left for me to do is get "a hot girlfriend." Oh, the mind of a 17 year old boy.

-Nick

There Goes the Fear Again

2010-02-24T22:13:00.000-08:00

Do you know what scares me the most? It's not death, flying, heights, the paranormal, or spiders. While two of those things do legitimately make me a bit uneasy (1. I didn't fare too well on the outside deck at the top of the Empire State building, and 2. I had an encounter with a ghost once; no bullshit), they aren't even close to the apex.

My biggest fear is being mediocre. I'm terrified of going through life being just another average, forgettable Joe. I don't think that there's anything "wrong" with being average; I just expect more from myself. Since you only get one go-round in this world, I think everyone should.

So far I think I'm doing a pretty decent job of meeting my expectations, but I'm scared of becoming complacent. I think that in order to avoid this you need to surround yourself with people who inspire and challenge you. It seems like most of the time I'm the one that people are looking toward for inspiration... and while I'm absolutely flattered, I wish that they could understand how much of a little fish I actually am. In any chosen field, there will always be people that are leaps and bounds above you, and I can only compare myself to my colleagues.

In my quest to expand my social circle, I've realized that there are people out there who share the same mentality that I do. They might be few and far between, but they exist.

I want to meet people who make me think smarter and work harder. The sky is the limit.

-Nick

Twenty Five: Goodbye Veil

2010-02-15T11:59:00.000-08:00

I'm a firm believer that you really don't quite have a grasp on how the world works until you hit the tender age of twenty five. I'm not saying it's like this for everyone, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it is for the fair majority. It was for me, anyway.

By the time you're 25, most people are done with their undergraduate work (and possibly a Master's degree). The safety and security of college is gone. Out of school and into the world. You've probably found a job and have gotten used to the daily grind. Welcome to real life.

Attitudes toward the types of people you date evolve. I asked a friend as a joke the other night: So when do girls stop going for assholes and start dating the nice guys with their shit together? She said "TWENTY FIVE" and shook her head without hesitation.

It's kind of like a giant slap in the face. A wake up call.

I've been awake for 3 years now and I'm still getting used to it.

-Nick

Mangia: A Boy and His Appreciation for Food

2010-02-12T10:23:00.000-08:00

I never realized how lucky I was growing up when it came to food. We weren't rich by any stretch of the imagination, but my father always made sure we ate well. Growing up in an Italian family was definitely an experience.

It never occurred to me that the parents of other children didn't cook like mine did. While some people were eating macaroni and cheese, I was devouring linguine with broccoli rabe, sausage, garlic, and olive oil. Ham and cheese lunchables for others while I was stuffing my face with sandwiches on amazing Italian bread full of mortadella, genoa salami, fresh mozzarella, and roasted peppers. Every year we would cook, peel, and bottle our own tomatoes so we could store them in the garage and make sauce for the next 11 months. I could go on for days, but you get the idea.

Growing up eating the best of the best instead of garbage like McDonalds really shaped how I look at food. I have friends that call me a food snob and I'm completely OK with that. It has nothing to do with how much something costs and everything to do with how something tastes. I can tell if ingredients are fresh. I can tell if something is microwaved. Whenever someone tells me they like Olive Garden I want to curl up into a ball and die. Prego? Oof. Parmesan cheese in a canister? Mortal sin.

My dad and I didn't always see eye to eye on everything, but there are 2 things he told me when I was younger that are relevant to this rambling:

1) "You want to know why we never go out to restaurants? It's because I can make everything better at home."

2) "One day you're going to miss eating here every night."

Both are insanely true. Granted, it also helps when your parents (and grandparents) are amazing cooks. Almost any time they know I'm stopping home to say hello, they'll make enough food for about 1500 Roman soldiers. Eggplant parmigiana, baked macaroni, hot and sweet sopressata, artichoke hearts, marinated mushrooms, stuffed mushrooms, sfogliatelles, cannolis, etc. Course after course after course.

I'm grateful that I learned to appreciate it all; and it's really made me enjoy cooking. You pretty much only need to do 3 things to stay alive. One is eat; the other two are breathe and sleep. Might as well enjoy 'em.

-Nick

Everybody Play The Game

2010-02-11T10:07:00.000-08:00

Firstly, Queen are by far one of my favorite bands of all time. The song is relevant to this post; so crack your knuckles, hit play, and dig in.

Secondly, has anyone read "The Game" by Neil Strauss? I bought it around the time it was first published in 2005 and blew through it in 2 days. It was actually really interesting. Fun fact: It's (faux) leather bound with a red tassel as a bookmark; almost as if it were a bible.

Since that time, multiple shows have popped up on channels like VH1 about being a pick up artist. It's all pretty insane.

For those of you that don't know what I'm referring to, here is a short summary:

There is a somewhat (formerly) underground community of gents (I use that term loosely here) who attend seminars and share secrets about how to pick up women. I'm not talking about guys getting together and talking about women over a couple of beers; I'm talking about people who have developed psychological tactics and scripted routines to trigger certain things in a woman's brain to develop interest. There is apparently a huge market for this kind of thing complete with its own language.

It all reminds me of good old Frank T.J. Mackey:

The bottom line is that most of this is common sense. This is what I generally took away from the book:

1. Have some balls. If you're not secure and confident with yourself then why would any woman perceive you as such?

2. Open your mouth. Say something. Even if you screw up and make a total ass of yourself, practice makes perfect. *cough* I should practice what I preach. *cough*

3. Looks don't mean as much as you think they do. As I've said before, a woman being attracted to a man is a completely different animal than a man being attracted to a woman. If you clean yourself up and don't look/smell like a total slob; you're golden.

The stuff that's sort of hairy with me are the psychological aspects behind the methods. For instance, say a guy sees a group of 3 girls and wants to approach. He's not supposed to talk to the one he is interested in. He's actually supposed to engage the group, pay little attention to the one he wants, and say something negative yet slightly funny toward her. This triggers some sort of "Why doesn't he want me? What's wrong with me but right with them?" game of mouse trap upstairs and actually makes the woman more interested. Bananas.

I also like how enough rules exist that you could potentially write a handbook on how to manage your interest in a person. How long to wait to call after you get the number. What to say. How to say it. How soon to text. How long to wait between texts. How to go about asking for a first date. Topics that are off limits on the first date. How long to speak after the first date. How to go about asking for a second date. The list goes on.

My question is: When did all of this get so complicated? I have a hard time believing that this type of shit existed in the 50's. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong era. Give me a '49 Mercury and a girl who looks like she stepped out of a Vargas book (plus a little post-feminist insight with her life together) and I am one content chap.

I think a lot of this doesn't register easily with me because I have a pretty sweet no bullshit policy. I'm not saying you don't need to know when to play it cool and when to lay it on thick; but being honest is always the best route. If I go out with a girl a couple of times and something's just not there for me; I'll say it. If I'm legitimately into a girl, she'll know. I sincerely appreciate the reverse as well. No harm, no foul. Life is too short to feign interest for personal, mental, and/or physical gain. If someone's not doing it for you; onto the next one. It's life.

To hell with rounding up girls with a lasso and spewing a script. Or waiting the mandatory 3 days if you don't feel like it. Or telling white lies to make yourself seem more desirable. Be genuine. Be yourself. You are what you are. Find someone who is into you for you; not into you for a facade.

-Nick

Perceptions of Fate

2010-02-05T13:11:00.000-08:00

I've never been a fan of the phrase "Everything happens for a reason." I think it's something that we tell ourselves to ease the blow of a particular misfortune. Think about it; how many times has that line crossed your mind when you were going through a point of turmoil in your life? I'm guilty of saying it myself.

I believe we control our fate. Every single thing you do; from the streets you choose to take when traveling, to the craving for food you get when lunchtime hits, to the passions you have and the choices you make regarding what type of profession you seek. Every decision you make will affect your future. It's mind boggling to think about.

I'll give you an example.

A few days ago I was on a flight to Indianapolis. This particular plane was an ExpressJet (featuring miniature sized overhead compartments), so even carry ons needed to be checked at the gate. As I got off the plane and waited with the other passengers outside the cabin door for our bags, a girl stepped out and joined the group. Mid 20's, brown hair, well dressed, glasses. Stunning. I'm holding a book; she's holding a book. Check the left hand for a ring: no ring. Check to see what she is reading: Too far away to get a name off the back cover; god damn my terrible eyesight. Doesn't look like Harry Potter or Twilight; we're golden. Fifteen people are standing there silent. My coworker is next to me and words are exchanged about how cold the flight was. Everyone is waiting (im)patiently for their things so they can make tracks to their final destination. Do I talk to this girl and potentially make an ass out of myself in front of 15 people in an 8 foot by 8 foot space? It would be so easy to simply say "So what are you reading?" I debate. Her bag comes, she takes off. My bag comes, I grab it and dart out of the tunnel. She answers her phone and disappears into the distance. Blew it.

She could have been a future ex-wife or she could have told me to eat my hat. The point is that I'll never know. I could have chosen to open my mouth but I didn't.

I think that there's a difference between happenstance and fate. Pillars may line up for you at certain points in your life but you have to be the one that knocks them down. There may be a target set up in the distance along with a loaded gun; but you'll never hit it unless you pull the trigger.

Pull the trigger.

-Nick

Manhattan: Shutter Island

2010-02-02T19:56:00.000-08:00

Before I get into it, this song pretty much sums up my feelings on NYC:

My biggest gripe with the city (and surrounding areas) is that once people are there, they never leave. New York is its own microcosm where anything is available at any time. I don't blame people for not leaving. In fact, I'm jealous.

The other day I was in Brooklyn and I mentioned Panera to someone. They didn't even know what Panera was. I said something to the effect of "Sorry, I can't roll out of bed and fall face first into 16 different types of gourmet cuisine within a 3 block radius." in a joking yet slightly envious tone.

I gave serious thought to moving to Brooklyn when my lease is up, but simply can't do it. The tolls would destroy me every day, and driving back through Manhattan during rush hour would be murder (even if I was able to get myself into a vanpool). The other option I'm looking into is moving to the Jersey City/Hoboken area. The commute to work would be pretty long, but it would be worth it to be closer to something that resembles the beacon of a more active social life.

Speaking of a more active social life, I have actually been making a legitimate effort to date more. Apathy is a bitch, though; especially when you hear things like "You live in New Jersey? 30 miles is really far." It just seems like since everything is so available, much less effort exists. I'm big on effort. It's what's buried me in my past relationships. At one point I used to take a bus from NJ to NYC, then the subway to Chinatown, then the Chinatown bus to DC, then the Metro to VA, and then a bus to an apartment complex. Crazy, huh? Maybe it's the hopeless romantic in me, or I'm just a sucker; who knows.

I completely realize that I'm putting New York City on a pedestal and am almost viewing having it at my fingertips as some sort of solution to my problems. I'm no dummy. All I know is that I need a change.

-Nick

Neanderthal Mentality

2010-01-28T17:12:00.000-08:00

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you might remember a post I made last year titled "The Maid Needs A Maid." It was a quick glance at the topic of whether or not most men desire to be with a career driven woman or not.

Well, 3 months later, it looks like a few pretty well known publications decided to do pieces on the same topic! Please read the following:

The New York Times - More Men Marrying Wealthier Women

The Wall Street Journal - The Right Man Is Getting Harder To Find

Get this: Apparently there are a TON of educated, career driven women out there who CAN'T FIND SOMEONE DECENT TO DATE! Why? Apparently men are intimidated by slash insecure about a woman's success. This BLOWS MY MIND.

If you're brave enough, I dare you to read the comments section of the WSJ article I posted above. Your brain may leave your skull. Here are some snippets:

"The woman in the article is going to be alone for a very long time. Most men I know would not want to raise another man's child even if that man is just a sperm donor. And, even with her high-powered career, she is no longer prime marriage material due to her feminist ideals, advancing age, career-first focus, and self-entitled attitude."

"Women I think have trouble with being successful, and then realizing 'something is missing'. I can only think of one solution to your problem, and it's going to be drastic. Take a sabbatical. If you have money saved up (even if you don't, sell everything.) Pack everything in storage, or if you can afford it, close up the property, and venture out. You are going to have to 'lie' a little bit girl. Love is not fair. Sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns and ride it. While everyone is thinking something else, let me define that. You, are going to have to set out on a mission to find that person. DO NOT tell them you how successful you are. DO NOT tell them how much money you have. You may have to never work again, if you really want love."

(There are many, many more gems but I will spare you. See for yourself.)

One of the funny things I should mention about these articles is that the women WERE NEVER BRAGGING about their success. They were simply stating things that they had accomplished throughout their lives; from forging a career path to being active with volunteer work.

So let me get this straight. If a woman busts her ass to reach certain goals, becomes successful, and then sits down with you and opens up enough to let you in on what an independent and driven person she is; you cower in fear, call her undatable, and run away. The only way these women will be able to find love is to give away everything they've ever worked for and throw themselves at the feet of some bigger, stronger, more capable "man."

Do you know what I think? I think you dudes need to grow some fucking balls.

This neanderthal mentality is sickening. It's 2010. Would you like to run around the prairie with a club to bring home a suitable mate? I know that there are people out there who will tell you that women are drawn to alpha males who are able to protect and provide. I get it. I know women who are into that sort of thing, and some people will argue that it's embedded in our brains to act in this manner purely due to nature. Yet as time goes on, gender roles and stereotypes are changing.

Just look at the data in these articles. In short: Women are becoming more educated than men, and are therefore as a gender earning more money.

These men should be so lucky as to meet a woman who has their shit together as much as the ones profiled in the articles. Instead, you feel inferior, and that frightens you like a child. How about this: If you DO feel inferior, isn't it motivation to work harder and re-evaluate your life situation? Inspiration, perhaps?

Nah, scratch that. Me Tarzan, you Jane. Go in kitchen and get me beer.

-Nick

Manufactured Sincerity

2010-01-26T18:03:00.000-08:00

I'm on travel again... and will be bouncing around in some way, shape, or form for just about the next month straight. As I checked into my hotel today, I noticed that the desk personnel were all re-trained. I've been here countless times over the past 4+ years or so, but this was the first time that they regurgitated a script to me from the moment I walked in until the moment I got into the elevator.

All companies do it. Ever have to call your cell phone provider about a problem? Script. Airlines - script. Hotels - script. Car rental services - script.

In almost all of these cases I've run into people who spit out their lines so fast that they stumble over them. Your responses don't matter. They don't even hear you because they already have the next paragraph on deck that they're going to waterfall into your ears.

Doesn't it bother anyone else that people are trying to manufacture genuine human interaction? Companies do this to streamline events and make the person they are providing a service to feel warm and welcome. With me, it's almost the opposite.

Words are just noise if there is no sincerity behind them.

-Nick

Planes of Happiness

2010-01-20T12:22:00.001-08:00

I recently read the line "People live on different planes of happiness" in the Blackberries to Apples blog; and it struck a nerve with me.

Here's the excerpt:

"The longer I live and love, the more convinced I become that people definitely exist on different Planes of Happiness. Not like the kind that fly in the air, but like the kind in geometry. There's a reason I am 23, single, broke, living in a railroad apartment in Manhattan, putting up with a lot of inconveniences, losing sleep so that I can write, feeling like I do nothing but flail around aimlessly hoping I do something right - while others my age are engaged, married, pregnant, having babies, buying houses, and feeling very happy in their settled version of adulthood. And the reason is this: People live on different Planes of Happiness. My friends and I - having given up so much of the stability and security enjoyed by so many of our peers - require more for our happiness. We pursue our dreams - personal, professional, and otherwise - because we demand, for our own happiness, a different level of love, friendship, accomplishment, creation and overall existence. This is why my core group of friends does not budge, but boyfriends and outer-circle friends come and go. If we're not on the same plane, it becomes apparent over time, and everything dissolves."

Over the past few years this has become so apparent to me. It took me a long time to just realize that different things make different people happy. Not everyone is built from the same mold.

My plane of happiness exists on a path toward following a passion of mine and becoming a self sufficient, successful person. Some people are content floating through life and some aren't. I'm not.

Sometimes I truly wish that I could change how my mind works. Unfortunately, I am the way I am for a reason. Growing up, nothing was handed to me. I know that if you want something in life, you need to work for it. I don't have a trust fund, a fallback, or a "hey, here's a downpayment for a house!"

I have friends all over the map with a ton of different professions and different outlooks on life; but the simple truth is that those who do not exist on my same plane of happiness drift over time. I think it's because I can't really relate to a lot of people. Unless someone has the same amount of drive that I do, or has worked the way I've worked to reach a certain goal, the carbonation fizzles out.

On a side note: I never, ever thought that I would actually write in this blog past a few entries. I'm proud of myself. Writing is cathartic, and even if no one were to read these ramblings; sitting down and getting things off of my mind is wonderful. I noticed that a couple of people I don't know have been following lately. I'd love to get feedback. So introduce yourself and feel free to give me your thoughts!

-Nick

Simpler Times

2010-01-20T08:10:00.000-08:00

This post isn't about the beer, but I bet that Rijel, Alissa, and Brandon wish it were.

Nope, this is about growing up.

Last Friday night I went down to New Brunswick to see Disembodied. They hadn't played New Jersey in something like 10 years. I was never a giant fan of them when they were in their hayday, but I was a huge fan of Martyr AD.

I hadn't been to a hardcore show in NJ in over 5 years. It brought back a lot of good memories. The old group of friends you'd see every week, the Hellfest trips, driving hundreds of miles through different states to see your favorite bands, the after show diner hangouts, screaming until you had no voice left, jumping off of speakers... and overall just how certain songs and bands made you feel when you heard them live. There was always just something different about hardcore. I still love certain bands, but over the most recent 5 years or so have only been to a handful of "heavy" shows between NYC and California.

Aside from all of the music related stuff, I started to reminisce of a time when things didn't matter so much. All I cared about was going to school and figuring out what show I was going to go to next. Back then it didn't matter if a girl you thought was cute had her shit together. We were all in the same boat. Nobody had degrees. Nobody had a good job. I mean seriously, one of the multiple jobs I had during college was working at Hot Topic. My main tasks included folding t-shirts and studying Fluid Mechanics behind the register. I remember my boss coming up to me and saying "What the hell is that stuff, anyway?"

Fast forward: you graduate college and the real world hits. Friends move away, people start careers, get married, have children, buy houses, etc. Priorities shift. I know I'm getting older because while in that basement in New Brunswick last Friday, in between bands, I had a conversation about property taxes with a friend. That sort of makes me cringe on the inside.

Don't get me wrong; I don't consider those simpler times my "glory days" by a longshot. I sincerely believe that those haven't come yet. It's just nice to think back once in awhile and remember the fun stuff.

In the words of Jonah Matranga, "I never want to say my best days are behind me."

Besides... don't you know that engineers and scientists hit their prime in their early 30s? Here's to hoping.

-Nick

The Rules of Attraction

2010-01-14T10:28:00.000-08:00

I'm not the first person to write about this topic and I certainly won't be the last. It's come up a bit recently so I figured I would spew my thoughts; mainly because it has made me feel like an asshole. Thanks, nature.

Some friends of mine have been trying to set me up with girls lately; and while I appreciate their good intentions, I just wish they would stop. These girls always fall into one of two categories: 1) Uneducated and cute, or 2) Educated and unattractive. I'm not into either.

Warning: I'm about to make some generalizations. Keep in mind that I am referring to relationship material here and not alcohol induced, beer goggled one night stands.

If a man is not immediately attracted to a woman, it's just not going to happen. Period.

If a woman is not immediately attracted to a man, she CAN BECOME more attracted to him over time based on certain factors. These factors include personality, sense of humor, career, and dare I say it; even income and earning potential.

"Nick, I'm not trying to push this girl on you or anything but she's a total sweetheart." You know what? I bet she is. I bet she's the bee's god damned knees. I'll throw out high fives and hugs like they're going out of style; but if I'm not attracted to somebody, there is just no way anything more is going to come to fruition. So, when I say "I'm not interested," I feel like a total schmuck.

"With the proper swagger, any guy can score the girl of his dreams." - BoysLifeNYC

I'm about to prove that statement.

Do you know who that is? That's Christina Hendricks. She's the hottest woman in the world. No, there is no debating this.

Do you know who she is happily married to?

Look familiar? That's Geoffrey Arend. The hottest woman in the world is married to the high guy from Supertroopers. CASE CLOSED.

Granted, what is attractive to one person may be unattractive to another. I'm kind of swinging with a blindfold on here because entire books have been written on the topic. Everyone has their own turn ons and turn offs. I'm just scratching the surface.

I also want to point out that I don't view myself as some stud who can bag any girl he wants. We all have imperfections and things we'd like to change (I'm still getting used to this bare top); but as a whole, my self confidence is pretty high these days. It took me a long time to see my own value, and I'm glad it finally happened.

So friends, if you want to set me up; hop a rocket to Pluto and bring me back a girl that looks like Zooey Deschanel, has a Master's degree, and is into dudes who look like they just got into a fight with a box of crayons and lost.

Thanks.

-Nick

With A Tip Of The Hat

2010-01-11T17:01:00.000-08:00

Something interesting happened tonight that sparked me to sit down and write this little blurb.

On my way home from work I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few things. While walking through the aisles and grabbing the items on my list, a girl walked toward me, stopped, and said "Hey I know you, you're that polite gentleman."

I remembered that a month or two ago she rang me up at the place and could not fathom how somebody could be so courteous. "Wow, you're so polite!" It's insane that a friendly hello, please, thank you, don't worry - take your time, it's OK - I can bag this stuff, would actually have an impact on somebody. Are people really that cold these days?

I see people walking around the grocery store with bluetooth earpieces in, talking endlessly, motioning for the cashiers to hold on while they throw their cash at them, and walk away without so much as a smile.

I'm no saint by any means, but I kind of take pride in the fact that if you ask someone their genuine opinion of me, it will more than likely be a positive one. I'd even be shocked if ex-girlfriends of mine that I no longer spoke to would spew negativity. Even during the worst of the worst, I always tried to do the right thing.

I told her that I was glad I was leaving an impression on someone, found the rest of my items, and headed home.

-Nick

Up In The Air

2010-01-09T23:33:00.000-08:00

Phenomenal movie. Bummed me out pretty hard though. I don't want to give away too much about the film; but it certainly makes you think. Made me think, at least.

I'm no million mile traveler by any means, but in the past few years or so I have done my fair share of plane hopping. The packing is down to a science. I know my way around a bunch of different airports. You see people scurrying about trying to get to and from whatever destination is on their boarding pass. The clumsy, infrequent travelers getting lost and asking questions you cringe at. The pros with their perfectly maintained carry ons. The anxious queue of people standing and stretching as to almost sprint into the gate when their zone is called. The people sitting in first class looking at you as you walk past with the occasional glance of "have fun in coach, peasant." You find your seat, offer your row-mate a pleasant hello, and sit upright in a chair designed for someone no taller than 5'7" with the headrest between your shoulders until you begin to taxi. Then you get in the air, look down, and are reminded of how truly insignificant you are. The cars buzz down freeways as if you're watching some sort of video game and the lights become faint as the nose climbs upward.

The hotel rooms are always the same. Sometimes you get lucky and a sleep number bed and flatscreen await. You encounter hundreds of new people and even though you may never say a word to them, you realize that every face has a story to tell. Some of the most genuine and amazing moments of human interaction I have ever seen in my life have been in airport terminals and passenger pick ups. Boyfriends reconnecting with girlfriends, husbands picking up their wives, friends hugging for the first time in years. The expressions on their faces and tears that fall are simply incredible to watch as I just stand there patiently waiting for my taxi to arrive.

The world is huge and we are surrounded by people at every given moment... but at the same time we're completely isolated; just a viewer absently looking into a small window of somebody else's life.

-Nick

Regression; Baby Style

2010-01-03T12:19:00.000-08:00

I've already written about my personal thoughts on procreation a few months ago or so, but the topic seems to be coming up more and more lately. It's a sign of the times, I guess. I did just turn 28, after all.

Yesterday my sister looked me in the face and said "Nick, you have to have kids. I can't deal with all of these idiots having babies anymore."

The problem is that the smart people value logic. They plan. They calculate. They analyze. If they do decide to have children, it's usually 1 to 2 at most. They think more about college tuition costs and sustainability than the tick tick tick of a biological clock.

The idiots; well, they basically gorilla fuck with reckless abandon. Popping out babies left and right without taking the time to sit down and figure out how the hell their offspring are going to be able to lead a productive, successful life.

As the economy changes and the survivability gap continues to grow (let's be honest here, the middle class is rapidly shrinking), I wonder how this is going to have an affect future generations. Who knows.

Time for me to get to packing. Off to the dirty south for work. North Carolina, then Alabama. I may stop in Nashville for shits and giggles if I have time.

I'm going to leave you with Mike Patton singing Storia D'Amore just because it's amazing.

Enjoy.

-Nick

We Are Our Own Devil

2009-12-26T12:28:00.000-08:00

This is easily the best song Massive Attack has ever done, and one of the best songs I've heard this year.

Warning: Video is NOT Safe For Work

Please click the video link below to view.

-Nick

The Great Twenty Eight

2009-12-23T22:34:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm officially 28. The first thing that comes to mind when thinking about the number 28 is good old Chuck Berry. Amazing musician and total asshole. He once punched Keith Richards in the face just for saying hello to him. How badass is that?! He's also partially responsible for what we now know as rock and roll. Thanks, Chuck.

Let's celebrate with this:

and this:

and this:

and uplifting cards from best friends.

I have a feeling that this is going to be a good year.

-Nick

2009: Year of the Dirty Feet

2009-12-19T23:08:00.000-08:00

There is only one way to accurately describe 2009... and that way is dirty feet. There is only one person in the world who will get that reference, and I'm completely OK with that.

A lot of amazing things happened this year; both good and bad.

The good:

- Got to travel to Africa, Spain, Italy, and all over the country for both work and vacation
- Got a promotion at work along with a sweet raise
- Won a competition to have $10k worth of my student loans paid off
- Finished graduate school (although my degrees are still in my closet, unframed)
- Made the decision to make amends with my family and give it a go again

The bad:

- Ended a two and a half year relationship
- My vacation to California and Vegas was a total train wreck (no, really)
- I didn't get tattooed at all
- My face is still somewhat out of commission from having oral surgery

While the good outweighed the bad, it just feels like this film is all over everything. Like something just needs to be cleaned. I've never been the type of person that really cared about a number changing at the end of the year. I'm not one to make new years resolutions or promises because if I want to do something, I simply do it; no matter what the calendar says. That point aside, I am looking forward to 2010.

The biggest thing I'm grateful for right now is that the past year taught me a whole lot about how I work as a human being. I've finally stopped apologizing for what I want in life (in far more than one aspect), and there really is nothing better than coming to terms with knowing what truly makes you happy. This whole "I am what I am doctor, you ain't gotta love me" mentality is incredibly refreshing. I know how I tick now.

Bring on the new year.

-Nick

Help, I'm Alive

2009-12-14T21:09:00.000-08:00

I've never been a fan of when people come back to writing from a break of a week or two and say things like "Sorry! I've been so busy!" I haven't been busy; I just had bone removed from my jaw.

Oh, indeed. I had 2 impacted wisdom-ish teeth extracted... which turned out to be a bit more complicated than expected. I opted to stay awake for the procedure so I could drive myself home (no sense making a friend or relative take the day off to cart my stupid broken face around when not totally necessary). I did however get the gas; because there was no way in hell I think I could have done it without it. I remember every single thing perfectly clear. Every image. Every gruesome sound. I do not recommend it. However, there were highlights. Nitrous Oxide gas lowers your inhibitions similar to alcohol.

1) When they turned the gas on, I could feel myself getting relaxed. This resulted in me telling the nurse "I feel like I'm getting fuuuuuuuuuuuuucked up. They should sell this shit at the drug store."

2) When the surgeon couldn't remove my teeth as easily as he expected, I said "Hahaha. I'm making you work for it."

3) Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer came on the radio and I decided to sing along as the guy was literally filing my jaw bone down with 2 hands.

and lastly

4) As I left the office (completely coherent), I had to walk through a waiting room full of people (men, women, and children all waiting to have fun things done to their faces with surgical instruments) with a swollen face and a mouth full of bloody gauze. "Don't worry everyone, it's not as bad as it looks!" Ah, lies. Sweet lies.

It's been 4 days so far and I want to cut my own head off. Today was the first day where I could stay awake without painkillers. I randomly get super tired and have to pass out. For instance, I fell asleep at 5PM today and woke up at 11PM. It's like time travel.

It's going to be at least Christmas time before I'm back to regular mode again. This is a pretty big bum out because my birthday is next week; and I really wanted to do something this upcoming weekend for it... but there is just no way I see that happening.

I thought I was going to hop in a chair, hop out, and be back at work today. False. It appears as though I have a 2-3 week initial healing period and then a 3-6 month bone healing period. Fantastic. I hope to return to work on Wednesday. Thankfully my bosses are awesome people, and aren't giving me any flak whatsoever. I mean, I don't see any value in an employee who can't stay awake or concentrate for longer than 20 minutes at a time either.

While this is a mess at the moment, I don't regret doing it. If I didn't take care of it now it would have come back to bite me in the ass later in life. As your body ages it heals slower and slower. The difference is ridiculous from when I was 15 to now.

Back to bed.

Nick

Capitalization

2009-12-02T08:22:00.000-08:00

You know, there is a reason that I wrote all of my previous blog entries without any capitalization. I'll explain why.

I've noticed over the past few years that the way I write; most notably when responding to e-mails, texts, and talking over the ancient wonder known as AIM (although I now use iChat once in a blue moon, thankfully), that my method of writing would change depending on my mood. If I was tense, I would capitalize everything and proper grammar would flow. If I was relaxed and the conversation was informal, I would just let it fly without worrying so much.

I think part of me wanted to start writing each entry without capitalization so I could write in a more relaxed state. Does that make me crazy? Probably.

However, it has been brought to my attention that I just might be halfway decent at getting points across. So I'm going to step it up and start writing like an adult.

Be warned, shift key.

-Nick

organized religion

2009-11-29T09:36:00.000-08:00

i really, really wanted to avoid writing about this; but i watched something today that just threw it over the top. yes, i've seen jesus camp. yes, i've watched enemies of reason. i own the hero with a thousand faces. i have watched documentaries from both sides of the fence; pro-religious propaganda to religulous. i hopped on a plane to italy to see vatican city. i've seen a lot, i've read a lot, and i've researched a lot. i went to catholic grammar school... and hell, i even took a buddhism course in college.

however, today was the first day i have ever seen the amazingness that is the "christian side hug" rap.

i would like to point out the very effective use of gunshots and ambulance sirens. maybe they are shooting bullets at each other full of christs love. if your brain is still inside your skull after watching that, continue on.

before i get into it, i want to acknowledge a few things. most people that know me know that i am an atheist. that's the term that i most closely relate to, anyway. atheism, in the simplest sense of the word, is the opposite of theism. i'm not agnostic. i don't believe in some definitive higher power. do i have any answers? no. i'm curious. i question everything. i'm a human being just like everybody else.

i do not push my beliefs onto anyone. it's a completely personal decision and i feel that is how religious beliefs and faith should be. i have absolutely nothing against anyones personal views no matter what they are. i don't care if you're scientologist, muslim, catholic, christian, pagan, mormon, hindu, buddhist, jewish or other. as long as someone is a decent, upstanding human being; none of that matters.

away we go.

growing up, i was a curious little kid. i remember being in catholic grammar school at around 2nd grade and being told the story of adam and eve. it didn't make sense to me how someone could create another person from someones rib, so i asked a priest about it. (see, i told you i was curious.) do you know what the priest told me? he told me that it wasn't an actual account of what happened. it was just a made up story to describe what had happened. a depiction. that, my friends, was the beginning of the end of me and religion.

as time went on more things just didn't make any sense. i didn't understand why i had to be at church every sunday at a specific time. i didn't understand communion. i didn't understand confession. nothing clicked with me. one of the things i remember the most clearly was the day my parents got a letter in the mail saying that our church was going to start tithing. i was old enough to know that giving away 10% of what you earned to the church was just absolutely absurd. i remembered giving donations when the baskets came along during mass... but now this was different. no longer did the church want a few dollars every sunday. they wanted 10% of everything you ever worked for.

how does this not infuriate people? by this time, i was already finished with catholicism. i stopped praying. i didn't believe that there was some magic man in the sky that had our futures mapped out. i kept it to myself because i knew that my family wouldn't approve (and honestly, they still don't). i wanted to know why people didn't question their faith. people are born into religions and it's engrained in them from a young age. how come people didn't let their children decide on their own? i was curious as to why other religions existed if the one that i was a part of was supposed to be the correct one. how can all of these other people be wrong?

so i set out to figure out why i was born into roman catholicism. why not another religion? what i found was pretty ridiculous. tales of control, persecution, conversion, and torture. it became pretty apparent that religion was being used as a means of control. unite the people and use religious doctrines to basically get them to act and live a certain way.

what sincerely bothers me about organized religion is how it negatively affects and oppresses everything from our government to human nature. what ever happened to the separation of church and state? we have leaders of this country using spiritual advisors to help them make decisions. are you serious?

what about human instinct? we have people blowing themselves up as suicide bombers believing that they will be given 40 virgins in heaven. sex is forbidden until marriage. masturbation is a sin. same sex relationships and encounters are grounds for eternal damnation. we have priests and nuns taking vows of celibacy who are unable to adhere to that vow (popes used to have sex all the time that resulted in children. they would keep them at a distance, call them their nephew, and set them up to be the next pope by making them a cardinal). that right there should be enough for any person in their right mind to realize that organized religion is one giant crock of shit. how can something that goes against HUMAN NATURE be correct?

going back to government for a second: did you know that religious properties can apply for tax exempt status? that's right folks; jesus square garden doesn't have to pay a dime in property taxes.

oh you know, jesus square garden. the MASSIVE church off of the parkway as you cross the driscoll bridge.

someone trying to buy a single family house in NJ around the same area as that church needs to pay, at a minimum, a solid $6000-8000 in property taxes a year... but a place like that pays nothing.

the "donations" required to get married in a church are also obscene. unless you have at MINIMUM a grand or two to fork over, a church will not marry you.

"Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." - Matthew 19:24

i guess they just disregarded that little section of the bible when they were building the most extravagant church in the world. my mind was blown when i stepped inside. no words can describe its size or how many rare materials and works of art lie between its walls. there has to be at least a billion dollars sitting inside of that place.

i'm not even sure if i should get into the evangelist christian movement, creationism, intelligent design, evolution, etc. because i think i've said my peace.

here are some links for your viewing pleasure:

jesus camp
enemies of reason (episode 1)
discussion with christopher hitchens

i'm not asking anyone to change their beliefs. all i do ask is that you don't follow blindly. make the decision for yourself. explore and challenge. it breaks my heart to see people born into strict religions that never have the ability to break out of it and think for themselves.

enough with the holy wars. it's almost 2010... and i am dumbfounded that the human race has not caught up with science.

"we should be open minded... but not so open minded that our brain falls out." - richard dawkins

-nick

agenda suicide

2009-11-28T08:29:00.000-08:00

you could follow logic or contest it all
the work solution makes the common house a home
the element of progress that you mention's gone
it de-evolved to something you were headed toward

as i lay to die the things i think
did i waste my time? i think i did, i worked for life
all we want are just pretty little homes
our work makes pretty little homes
like a cast shadow, like a fathers dream
have a cut out son, what's a worse disease

to get that pretty little home, as i lay to die the things i think
i don't want to regret what i did and work for life
all we want are just pretty little homes
our work makes pretty little homes
agenda suicide, the drones work hard before they die
and give up on pretty little homes

our work makes pretty little homes
our work makes pretty little homes
agenda suicide, the drones work hard before they die
and give up on pretty little homes

-nick

chris rock is right about everything

2009-11-13T18:21:00.000-08:00

start the following video at 2:35:

continued:

i'm not going to write in too much detail about mr. rock, because the videos pretty much speak for themselves.

enjoy.

-nick

freedom ain't free

2009-11-11T14:23:00.000-08:00

over the past week or so i've talked about this song with at least 3 different people. since it's come up a few times, i figured i'd write about it.

over the years, i've never been good with words. a lot of people know that. i feel as though other people have said anything i could ever possibly want to say better and more eloquently than i ever could. i think it's one of the reasons i am so passionate about music. sometimes, there truly is a connection there.

so if you pressed that play button up there on the video to listen, you're probably thinking "what the fuck? this sounds like some rasta beat... and wait, is that a white albino muslim guy rapping?" yes, yes it is.

you might be thinking... what the hell could you two possibly have in common? you'd be surprised.

religious aspect of the song aside, it's a such an accurate representation of a lot of me. i'm going to go ahead and write out the lyrics below:

brother ali - freedom ain't free

ain't nowhere to run to, there ain't nothing here for free

if i don't like my life i gut it, rebuild it
fuck it. keep nothing but god and my children
i kill the devil wherever he resides
even if he hidin' in me he got to die
i killed little jason, he was only 15
sewed his good traits together, made ali
filled his lungs with the koran until he breathe
let him walk but kept him on a short leash
here he stand now, 17 year old man child
ain't ask nobody for a motherfuckin' hand out
he tryna carry heaven on his back
jumped the broom with a stranger, ain't never looked back
what he know about how the world spin?
bless his heart, he a virgin, never even had a girlfriend
wanna be a man so bad that he can taste it
his family fell apart and he tryna replace it
you'll find in him a heart that's second to none
but i know old soul that his lessons ain't done
so i stand willing to kill him again
if to grow he got to shed his skin then let it be done

ain't nowhere to run to, there ain't nothing here for free
see what i see and know that freedom ain't free... lord
ain't nowhere to run to, there ain't nothing here for free
you will see what i see and know that freedom ain't free

one half of all the two-leggeds on the scene are too timid to dream
cause failure is far too depressing it would seem
so they take what's given
that's your decision i just don't consider that living
shit if i'mma die whether or not i try i might as well let the dice fly
i'm hot knife through butter in the night sky
it shouldn't take a genius to see this hunger in my eye
so i use blood and sweat to butter my bread
cause this cold world couldn't give a fuck if i'm fed
i ain't curled up in my bed
if i don't set the world ablaze trust it ain't cause of nothing i did
listen i don't think god's obligated to touch you
if your ass would rather live in shit than work a shovel
i refuse to let the sun set on me again
'til the end i'm a one man army, friend

ain't nowhere to run to, there ain't nothing here for free
see what i see and know that freedom ain't free... lord
ain't nowhere to run to, there ain't nothing here for free
you will see what i see and know that freedom ain't free

there you have it. remove the religious aspect and him having children, and that's me. hook, line, and sinker.

your experiences growing up, both good and bad, shape you into the person you are. a lot of people say "you work too hard" to me. have i worked hard? it's all relative. did i need to go to college? no. my father wanted me to learn a trade. i.e. plumber, electrician, etc. that's the old school mentality he had. did i need to go to graduate school? no... but i wanted to so that i could get ahead in life.

i don't think that people really understand what college is all about. it's not easy and it's not supposed to be easy. college does MUCH MORE than educate you in your chosen field. it challenges you. it throws work at you that you KNOW is unrelated to something you are trying to accomplish and it tests your ability to handle it. college is a test just as much as it is the instillation of knowledge. out in the real world, how will you handle work that you simply do not want to do? will you power through it, or blow it off and fail?

i go into work every day and see the intelligence that some people around me have and i'm absolutely blown away. i don't consider myself a "smart" person. i don't catch onto things easily. however, if something needs to be done, i'll work my ASS off to learn what i need to learn to accomplish the task. you don't necessarily have to be brilliant to become successful, you just need the dedication and drive.

some days i wish that i had the ability to float through life like some people; not really knowing or caring what tomorrow brings. the "one day at a time" lifestyle must be nice, but isn't it stressful?

only now am i starting to be able to relax and enjoy life. i'm trying to stop and smell the roses for awhile.

but... see what i see and know that freedom ain't free. the only way you're going to get to where you want to be in life is on your own accord. you only get one chance. go out and find your passion.

-nick

fat daddy

2009-11-08T21:41:00.000-08:00

"nick, i hope that one day soon you find a girl that has a fat ass and a brain... and she will feed you cannolis and all that shit. because if anyone deserves to find someone, it's you."

you don't need to have a whole lot of friends by your side; just the ones that will be there through everything. the ups and downs. the stupid arguments. the good and the bad.

with that, i think i'm going to take a stab at dating again. it's been almost 6 months. let the disasters begin.

-nick

vanity sizing and the measuring tape rubiks cube

2009-10-29T16:38:00.000-07:00

you know, i'm pretty sure nobody would expect a guy to rant about clothing; but it's on my mind - so here goes.

i hate shopping. well, shopping in real life that is. i've never been the type that likes to walk around, browse, try things on, and buy random stuff. i'm pretty sure most guys are like that, or at least the average american male is.

i usually find something i like on the internet and then buy it online. the only problem with this is that you never know how things are going to fit. one companies medium fits like a small, another companies small fits like a medium. that brands size 34 jeans fit like a 32, and that companies size 34 jeans fit like a 36. this size 12 shoe fits like an 11, that size 10.5 shoe fits like a 12.

can we please come to some sort of standard? can we start unifying the definitions of small, medium, and large?

it'll never happen; and it'll never happen because of vanity sizing.

what a novel idea. "hey everyone, how about this... we sell our clothes one or two sizes bigger than we actually print on the label. that way, when a girl tries on a size 6 and fits into it, she'll be so excited she's a smaller size than expected she'll be more inclined to purchase the garment!" (the same goes for guys too, i just used that as an example.)

although ladies, i really do feel bad for you; because different companies sizing jumps all over the place far more for you than it does for us.

i haven't even touched on the fact that sometimes you can take 2 pairs of pants that are the same size by the same company and have a huge variation between them. it's a shot in the dark.

if people bought clothes based on what the size of their waist actually was with a measuring tape, there would be mass panic dieting occurring nationwide. it would certainly solve a whole hell of a lot of returns though. eh, at least the united states post office is benefitting.

-nick

the maid needs a maid

2009-10-26T19:52:00.000-07:00

i've been listening to a lot of emily haines lately. she has this one song called "the maid needs a maid." here's a video link where you can hear it:

listening to it got me thinking. i recently read a chapter in a currently unpublished (but possibly soon to be published) book that dealt with human sexuality. in this chapter, it mentioned that when a woman is asked what her top 5 most sought after traits in a male companion were, one of those 5 would be "has a career with stable income" or something similar. it also stated that when men were asked the same question with regard to a mate, "almost none" made mention of career. i was shocked. granted, i am unsure as to how thoroughly this was researched; but the author felt strongly enough about it to include it in the book.

i started to wonder how different i might be from the average american male. do most men really just want a maid? someone to cook them dinner and rub their shoulders when they get home? a trophy wife, perhaps?

it amazes me how quickly some dudes will fumble over a beautiful girl with no brains. to me, that's like looking at an inanimate object. i'm not saying physical attraction isn't important. of course it is. either you're attracted to someone or you aren't. past this point is where it starts to get hairy. to me, some of the absolute sexiest qualities a woman can possess are drive and ambition. am i really in the minority here, or does the average joe simply not care that much about whether or not a woman is career oriented?

different strokes, i guess.

here are the lyrics to the song in case you'd like them handy:

bros before hos
disagree on the sidelines
fight for a fee, the man needs a maid
the maid needs a maid

bros before hos is a rule, read the guidelines
you trouble me
your breasts heave when you sing
your mouth should be working for me for free

sewing up the fold 'cause i've been laid up
will you put on the fire for me
draw the bath and remind me to eat
you won't need a real job
you won't need a real job because i would love to pay for you
you could be a good wife to me
i would love to pay for you
you are the maid for me

-nick

the comb over cure

2009-10-20T07:51:00.000-07:00

as a scientist/engineer, i get to work with a lot of brilliant people. unfortunately, these people usually don't have the best sense of style. let's be honest, most days i come to work in jeans and a polo shirt or longsleeve... because really, who the hell am i impressing? a bunch of 40 year old men?

regardless, it seems as though people in my field have a tendency to lose their hair. i don't know why this is, but it's prevalent. i think it just might be in our blood. i'm sure the stress doesn't help either. yes, i know that balding is genetic... but the shit runs rampant.

now entering into my late 20's, this is starting to hit me. most of the people in my family lost their hair by 25-30. luckily i'm hanging on to a fair majority of it; but the process has started... and it's picking up speed rapidly. gone are the days of my rockabilly pomp. i no longer resemble tin tin.

so like most gents in my situation, i freaked out. "oh my god, i'm losing my hair. what the hell am i going to do about it?!?!?"

so, i did a bit of research.

you have a few options. they fall into the following categories: 1) chemical, 2) surgical, and 3) artificial.

chemical: months and months of applying goop to your scalp to sprout a few new hairs. side effects include but are not limited to: your dick hibernating like a grizzly in the winter. so let me get this straight... when hair does finally start growing back, you feel better about your self image. this leads you to start magically landing all of these babes. however, you won't be able to do much with them in the bedroom aside from read where the wild things are before taking a nap. I'LL PASS.

surgical: sweet jesus. hair transplantation costs tens of thousands of dollars all for mediocre results. forget about the fact that as you lose more hair, you'll need more procedures. plugs? oof. there is nothing worse than having sparse barbie doll head.

artificial: plain and simple, you aren't fooling anybody. a rug is a rug. i don't care what hair club for men tells you; the long and short of it is that they shave your head bald and glue down a mop. NO THANKS.

in the end, much like everything else in this country, it's all about money. we're made to feel bad about nature taking it's course. this drives us to spend thousands of dollars on products and services to seek a cure to get our self esteem back.

but you're in luck ladies and gentleman, because i have found a cure!

step 1) buy this:

step 2) shave your head with it.

step 3) stop giving a fuck.

it's not as big of a deal as everyone makes it out to be. people are far more interested in the person beneath the hair than the hair itself. if someone shuns you for having some skin on the top of your head instead of a beautiful mane then they aren't worth your time to begin with.

over and out.

-nick

roma, conclusa

2009-10-06T16:29:00.000-07:00

note: before i begin, i just wanted to mention that all pictures can be clicked to be seen at full size. on with the show.

sunday morning i reluctantly got in my taxi at about 7:30AM and waved goodbye to my host, mossimo. mossimo is the owner of the bed and breakfast i stayed at in rome. i snapped this picture as i was running out the door because the taxi was beeping.

there he is. dolce and gabbana glasses and all. the guy was absolutely incredible. he waited up late for me after one of my planes was delayed 9 hours, sat down with me and showed me maps and bus routes, gave me suggestions on where to go each day, gave me some of the best coffee i've ever had in my life every morning, and even got me a reservation at the borghese gallery. he was less of a hotel owner and more of just a genuinely happy guy who let me stay in his house because he wanted to show me his city. my trip would not have been as good if i stayed anywhere else. he went above and beyond to make sure i had the best time possible.

so i went through the almost 300 pictures i took while in italy, and most of them don't really light my fire. i mean, anyone can go on google and type in something i saw and a picture will pop up. every tourist snaps a million. the few pictures i'm going to put here in this blog are more of the things that i saw that i personally thought were interesting.

this fountain was near the spanish steps. apparently if you drink out of it, you get some good luck. my trip was awesome, so i guess it worked.

one day i went exploring and got lost in the hills of southwestern rome while looking for a particular fountain. all of my entry points were gated and blocked off and i wound up on this hill in a really nice area.

one day i wound up going to the beach on a whim. got to chill out in the mediterranean sea for a day. this picture reminds me that i need to make an appointment to get my feet tattooed asap.

a couple walking down the beach.

sunset on the mediterranean.

the best tiramisu i've ever had in my life.

this was a mail slot on via guilia. it's one of the most scenic streets in all of rome. when i saw it, it blew my mind. have you ever seen a mail slot this incredible!?

i think i mentioned in an earlier post about how just about every building in rome is tagged up with terrible graffiti. here's an example.

a small movie theater in bologna. public enemies comes out november 6th!

and here's the last picture i'll throw in. it's my favorite one i took on my trip.

a view of rome at night.

all in all, i had a wonderful time. seeing all the sights was an experience and i enjoyed that part of it, but the absolute best parts of my trip were the days i randomly met incredible people. the days i just set out to get lost, explore the country, and find my way home. the mathematics professor on the train who randomly started talking to me about my tattoos. the psychiatry student that traveled across the country every weekend just to get the best education possible. the absolutely stunning artist on the train who did her master's thesis in NYC this past february that not only got me out of a 60 euro fine, but helped me while i was lost and showed me the streets of bologna (pia, you are an angel). the law student at the bus stop who was kind enough to help me find my way. the woman from holland who shared a taxi with me during a metro strike and wouldn't let me pay for it. the couple from france who were vacationing for the weekend before doing business.

i met people like this every day i was there. their kindness was incredible.

the way of life is so different. it seems as though more people take time to enjoy the moment. coming home was interesting. i can no longer walk down the street and go into a cafe and drink cappuccino standing up at a bar while eating the freshest food imaginable.

i guess all i can say is that i can't wait to go back.

-nick

roma, parte due

2009-09-29T14:49:00.000-07:00

it's tuesday night, just before midnight. in the past 2 days i have covered so much ground. since landing here i have been walking, on average, between 15 and 20 miles a day. i have taken some really great pictures, seen some amazing things, and learned a whole lot.

to keep this blog a tad more interesting than the last (who wants to read pure text ramblings of a gent in rome?) i'm going to throw in some stock images of the places i've been and things i've encountered along with a blurb or 2.

borromini's corridor at palazzo spada. it's only about 8 meters long but appears to be 20 to 30 meters in length due to the optical illusion of the columns getting smaller in proportion and the statue at the end being tiny. it was really neat. i also went to the art gallery they had at this exhibit and saw some pretty sweet 16th and 17th century paintings and sculptures, along with some really incredible giant globes.

st. angelo's castle. you know, no big deal. just walked over a bridge full of angel sculptures to this magnificent castle built in 139 AD.

piazza navona.

trevi fountain. this blew me away. yes, i threw coins in over my shoulder for good luck.

the colosseum. the best thing i have seen thusfar. seriously... 75 AD people. walking here from the south side of rome was mind blowing. gladiators fighting lions, man. are you fucking serious!? you could see the wild animal cages on the lower level. i took the guided tour. learned about the school where gladiators trained in ancient rome that you could access by underground tunnel. also learned that all the games that happened there were free to the public. tonight! man versus man! man versus beast! free! fuck, now that's entertainment.

the pantheon. the most well preserved relic in rome. unlike most, this still has all of it's marble and precious metals. the entire top is open. when it rains, the water comes down and an irrigation system exists inside to carry the water away. still works to this day. can you imagine someone designing this almost 2000 years ago? incredible.

the roman forum. not much is left, but this is where it all began. i explored this area for a few hours. so much to see.

aside from all of the attractions, some of the best stuff i've encountered has been off the map. randomly exploring and running into locals. overhearing a couple arguing in italian. strolling around the southwest area going up and down the hills getting lost. this trip has taught me that grabbing a backpack, going to another country, and running around aimlessly really isn't all that scary. granted, rome is a safe area and such; but i am talking about beyond that. the last time i saw henry rollins spoken word, he talked about how more people are friendlier than you think. that it's an experience to just grab your things, head somewhere, and explore. now i get it.

this trip has made me want to do the following:

1) travel even more. i need to see egypt. i need to see japan. australia, london, paris, greece, etc.

2) wear a suit while riding a motorcycle. i can't believe how many people zip around on motorcycles and scooters out here. people of all ages and sizes, male and female, straight CRUISE on these things dressed to the nines. i've seen multiple girls in pencil skirts and heels dippin' hard in the streets. i should have brought a lasso.

so i still have 4 full days left. my rough agenda is something like this:

tomorrow (wednesday): villa borghese and the borghese gallery. it's a beautiful park area where the richest of the rich live in rome. has an incredible art gallery. meet up with friends at night and go to campo de fiori to party.

thursday: tour the vatican. (i haven't thusfar because it's been so absurdly hot, and you need to dress proper to get in.)

friday: take the train to florence (about 2 hours away) and explore.

saturday: tour some catacombs.

this certainly has been an experience.

-nick

roma, parte una

2009-09-27T14:44:00.000-07:00

ciao tutto, sono a Roma!

after a whole bunch of flight delays, an air europa paid hotel room, two huge buses, and one hooker in a lobby later... i am in rome!

you may be asking... what the hell are you doing on a computer when you are in the middle of italy!?!? good question. the answer is: it's sunday night at approximately midnight. i've retired to my bed and breakfast for the day and thought i'd hop on the computer here to jot down some things and check my e-mail before getting some sleep.

my first day here was a bit overwhelming. i got hit with so much information that i was slightly puzzled. one of the main things i learned was that rome is VERY HARD to get around in.

1) there are no street signs. im serious; no street signs. the only signs that exist are engraved concrete plaques on the sides of buildings at intersections to let you know where you are. unfortunately, not every building has these, and since they are simple concrete engravings they are quite hard to see.

2) street names change CONSTANTLY. you could be walking down one street and a block later it has a new name. no NYC grid here.

3) the metro is broken. like really broken. there are no trains to termini station (the main hub here in rome), so that means it's bus only.

4) there are a million different buses with different routes, but you never really know where you are going on them because street signs are incredibly hard to see (forget about getting a quick read on an intersection. it's impossible to do with the way signs are placed on buildings), and the bus drivers do not make announcements to where you are. it's fend for yourself status.

5) not as many people speak english as i thought. luckily, i have been getting by with my little book and the spangtalian that i remember. i have only honestly encountered english in the really touristy areas of the vatican so far. other than that, siete sui vostri propri (you are on your own)!

so, that covers the getting around part. let's talk about the past two days.

the owner of the bed and breakfast i am staying at is a saint. the guy has a heart of gold. he is so passionate about rome and educating people about his city. the first day i was here, i talked to him for an entire hour at breakfast. told him that my father was born and raised in giovinazzo, how i grew up eating nutella and watching toppo gigio on RAI... etc. he broke out two maps for me and showed me the two main bus routes on how to get into the heart of rome. he also told me a bunch of places that i needed to check out before i left... including a local market where i could get pizza bianca mezzo mortadella (plain pizza cut in the middle and filled with italian bologna)! pretty much my favorite thing to eat as a kid ever. unfortunately, it was a WEALTH of information. far too much to remember in one sitting. he speaks broken english, but knows enough to where we can communicate, which is amazing.

also at breakfast were a group of older tourists from colorado. i think they thought i was a criminal until i started talking about taking a vacation from work and being an engineer and such. one of the womans daughters was a civil engineer, so once we had common ground they opened up a bit. they made off in a flash as this was their last day in rome. they gave me a few tips, wished me well, and headed out.

also at breakfast was an italian girl named isabella. through talking to her i found out that she was a psychiatry student in her last year of college, traveling by train to rome from the east coast of the country every weekend. she would work in her town every day, and then get on a train and go to class friday nights, all day saturday, and all day sunday. even though we could barely speak each others language, we could definitely relate to working and schooling all the time. it was god damned awesome.

after breakfast i decided that i needed to get acquainted with my local area, so i grabbed my backpack and took to the streets. the first things i noticed were that 1) everyone has a motorcycle or scooter and 2) everything has really bad graffiti on it. i was expecting the scooters, but definitely not the graffiti. apparently it's very popular here, and police can only give a fine for it. there is no jail sentence. so people do it everywhere. it's kind of a shame... so many beautiful buildings are tagged up and it is kind of depressing.

you know what else i noticed? people here are dressed TO THE NINES. fashion is pretty serious stuff in these parts. i was amazed at how many people looked so good. even in super hot and humid weather, guys were in suits straight killing it. designer shoes and gucci belts all over the place. appearance is quite important. it kind of made me want to dress nicer at home for some crazy reason.

anywho, i walked around for a good couple of hours down by the vatican (the vatican city walls are absolutely amazing. there is no way somebody is getting in or out of that place unless you are allowed to), went to the market to get some pizza (although i could not find a place that had both pizza AND mortadella... what i had was still delicious), and after walking about 12 miles... came back to the hotel to rest for a bit. in the afternoon i met up with my friend stephanie (who is the entire reason i am even out here right now. she convinced me to buy a plane ticket and just come hang for a week or so) and we took buses around getting lost for the rest of the day/night. we spent time at the spanish steps (romes high end shopping district, featuring the first gucci store ever and such), ate the most incredible gelato in existence (i had half cherry and half banana in a cone topped with fresh whipped cream), and stopped at the most incredible fresh pastry shop i've ever been to. i wound up gorging myself on this AMAZING raw sugar coated donut stuffed with nutella along with a cone of airy cake that was soaked in sugar and rum. both were phenomenal. the delicious desserts were my dinner. after walking around for almost 10 hours straight, i was shot. i headed back to the hotel, got cleaned up, and passed out.

this is getting long huh? i guess i wanted to write all of my thoughts here since i do not have a paper journal with me. onward to day two!

i woke up on and off all night with a pretty intense headache. mainly due to dehydration i think. it is very hot and humid here. walking around the entire previous day and not drinking enough took it's toll on me. i downed all the water i possibly could but nothing helped. at breakfast, i asked mossimo (the owner of the b&b) where the nearest open pharmacy was (on sunday everything is closed here. it's a day of rest), and he showed me on the map. i grabbed my bag and headed out. found the pharmacy with ease and after a bit of italian speak, found a pharmacist who spoke fluent english. explained to her i needed something for a headache and she hooked me up with some ibuprofen. that's another thing i noticed about rome...

pharmacies are not stocked to the gills with medication. there is no cvs containing 3000 cures for your ailments. a pharmacy is a small little shop with basic stuff and a place in the back where drugs are mixed. it just seems like everyone is so much healthier here. people age so well. it's a simpler life. but hell, i bet i would age better too if i worked from 9am to 1pm, then took a nap until 4pm, went back to work for a couple more hours and then came home. hahaha. viva siestas.

after finding the medicine, i went by st. peters (because honestly with all the walls, i didn't find my way in yesterday. stupid american tourist!) it was pretty magnificent. i didn't go inside (that is planned for later in the week) but i took pictures of the setup for the outside sunday mass. it was pretty grand. after that i walked through some local shops and got a piece of a calzone for lunch. it was stuffed with potatoes, ham, and roasted red peppers. DELICIOUS. you really can't go wrong with the food out here. i ate on some steps and people watched.

it's kind of funny being heavily tattooed in a part of the world that doesn't see it too often. i think more people looked at me than me at them, but everyone is respectful so that rules. all you have to do is smile and say hi and most everyone is friendly.

once lunch was over i got invited to the beach. my friends friends were taking a trip, so i grabbed a towel from my hotel and hopped in a car. i never in a million years thought i'd be hanging out in the mediterranean sea on this trip, but it happened. we stayed there most of the afternoon until the sun set. headed to a beach house for coffee, and then i came home.

this afternoon kind of made me think positively about where i am in life. that maybe everything does happen for a reason. i mean seriously, i was hanging out on a beach in italy. how can it get much better than that? i wouldn't have been there unless specific events happened. granted, i chose everything leading up to it, but it's the end result that counts.

so now, it's approaching 12:30am and i should get some rest. i am heading to ancient rome tomorrow to see the colosseum and pantheon. i know that i am going to lose my mind once i step into the area. i simply can't imagine seeing something with my eyes that was constructed in 75 a.d. it's mind blowing to me.

hope everything is well with everyone back home.

buona notte!

-nick

babies, babies, babies

2009-09-24T10:35:00.000-07:00

so i'm sitting here waiting for my taxi to pick me up to take me to the airport, and i figure hey, since i have some time to kill... maybe it's time to move on to the next one.

before i start, i really had no idea how many people would actually read my ramblings. i got a few compliments regarding how "bold" i was to be talking about personal issues most people avoid discussing. just wanted to say a sincere thank you. what surprised me even more was how many people agreed with me. feels good to vent once in awhile.

todays topic: babies.

oof. touchy subject with the ladies, i know, i know. biological clocks and motherly instincts and cute little smiles that warm the heart.

do you know what i see when i see a baby?

goodbye life as you know it. you are now second to another human being. don't get me wrong, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that whatsoever; but i personally think that most people who have children probably shouldn't.

maybe it all comes back to my ridiculously logical brain, but very few people really plan out having kids. now hey, i know that "accidents" happen, but it seems as though far too many people risk far too much these days. it's almost 2010... birth control is readily available. bag it!

people of older generations seem to have the mentality "well, you'll never be READY for a child. you just kind of have to do it... and somehow, it all works out." well hey, i turned out pretty alright, so i'll go ahead and agree with that statement; but i truly believe that things are different in this day and age.

you used to be able to get by with a high school diploma. you simply can't anymore. it seems as though a master's degree is turning into the new bachelor's degree. if things are like this now, how will they be in years to come? our generation already has mounds of student loan debt to deal with. the gap of survivability is increasing. the average joe used to be able to buy a house and start a family fairly easily, but it's simply not like that these days. if we can barely take care of ourselves, how are we supposed to take care of somebody else?

for me, there is still so much i have yet to do in this life that the thought of having kids anywhere in the near future terrifies me. i don't want to stop with my education. i want to see the world. i want to do all the things i personally want to do before i could even comprehend that undertaking. the problem is, i don't think that one lifetime is enough. i'll always want to learn more, do more, and be more.

some people will say "you haven't experienced life until you've had a child." i guess i may never know.

and with that, i'm off to italy. see y'all in 2 weeks. i am sure i will come back with some amazing pictures, good stories, and a stomach full of the best tiramisu in the world. the weather is supposed to be perfect.

over and out.

-nick

love, sex, marriage, and tradition

2009-09-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

so i promised myself i'd start writing what was on my mind more often. there have been a few times where i've said "jeez nick, you can't start talking about that stuff in some open public forum. it's too personal and god knows who could stumble across it!"

well, i could really care less at this point.

does anyone else out there really not give a shit about getting laid when you're single? for most of my life, something has been off with me in this regard. i've never been the type of guy to actively hunt out girls to bang. even in my early 20's (when gents are apparently "in their prime"), friends would say things like "man, nick never really talks to girls huh?" the long and short of it is that i simply don't care. the end result isn't worth it to me. i could easily slam some skeezers if i wanted to; but it's not my gig. it seems as though some people will shack up with anything willing, and i just don't have it in me. this is the part where guys point and call me derogatory terms for homosexual.

believe me, i would like nothing more than to meet a girl i vibe with to get down on a regular basis; but the whole interaction is so awkward. some days i wake up and feel like john nash* (minus the crazy, of course). in fact, lack of sex and sexual openness has actually contributed to ending relationships in my past. i guess i'm the type that when i'm getting it, it better be proper; but if i'm not, i don't seek it as a means to an end. it's incredibly important to me when with someone; but when single, i could take it or leave it.

when i'm talking about interaction, i'm mainly referring to dating and going out on dates. let's be honest here... does anyone actually ENJOY the process? it's hell. you seek out someone and usually wind up at some restaurant with forced conversation. "hi, i'm nick. i like music, tattoos, hot rods, and nerdy shit like engineering and physics." ok, that's all i got. i should have taken some sort of art of socialization class while in college; because it has never been my greatest quality.

so let's say you do date someone, and you vibe so well that the dating eventually turns into a relationship. the relationship carries on for months. months turn to years. then you hit this wall at around 3 years or so: "oh shit, well i guess this is the point where we're supposed to know if we want to get married or not, huh?"

love and marriage. i'll start by saying this: deep down, i truly am a hopeless romantic. i want to believe the hallmark cards, i really do, but facts are facts. 50% of todays marriages end in divorce. that statistic is just the number of people who have the balls to actually go through the process of splitting everything up and moving on. what about all of the people who are miserable in their marriages but continue through them simply because it's tradition? how many people do you know who are legitimately happy in their marriage? (believe me, the amount that will be honest with you is slim; until you get some 20 year cognac in them. then the party starts.)

you want to know why i think the divorce rate is so high and so many people are miserable in their marriages? i think people get married for all the wrong reasons. "oh my god julie, i'm going to be THIRTY next year and i still don't have that 2 carat ring! i had better try and bag a lawyer ASAP!" i never understood why some people feel that they a) NEED to be married at all or b) NEED to be married by a certain age. marriage should be undertaken by 2 people who have the same views on life, the same goals and aspirations, and the same willingness to compromise to make each other happy. people grow and change over time, and that is expected; but do you both have it in you to adapt to those changes and work through them? in today's world, most people do not. i think that it has something to do with the fact that everything is so ACCESSIBLE now. in olden times, your wife was your wife and that was that. marriage was a part of survival. in today's world, if your wife isn't making you happy or doing something the way you'd like it to be done (in the bedroom or otherwise), you can simply go ON THE INTERNET and find some new willing babe to fill in all the gaps! think about it. if you really want to find something these days, you can. either on or off the web. what is marriage in todays world aside from tradition and some tax breaks? certainly not survival.

i started to think about countries like india as i was writing that last little paragraph. do you know what the divorce rate is in india? it's slightly more than 1%. ONE PERCENT. you want to know why? a) if we are talking about arranged marriages - it's tradition and people hold true to their values, and b) if we're not talking about arranged marriages - people usually get exactly what they want. have you ever seen personal ads in an indian newspaper? "attractive female with cooking skills seeks mathematician proficient in banking; would like to have 1 child." granted, that's a gross off the top of my head exaggeration; but it's pretty close to the real deal. it's LOGIC. a person knows what they want and then seeks exactly what they desire. i feel like in today's world, in this country, a lot of people don't clearly think about what they truly want before they tie the knot, and it ends up in disaster. "all i know is that i love him and we're going to get married and have babies and have a cat and 3 dogs and a white picket fence!" unfortunately, it's not that easy.

well, if you got through all of that i sincerely applaud you. 'til next time.

-nick

*john nash was a famous mathematician. you will most likely know him as the main character the movie "a beautfiul mind" was based on. known for being blunt and logical with women to a fault.

lovage - stroker ace

2009-09-19T11:23:00.000-07:00

-nick

what a weird week

2009-09-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

so, i have about 10 minutes before i have to get back to a training class i'm taking here at work. i won't mention the name of the class... but it's basically a waste of time and money. my job has mandatory things we need to take every so often, and even though everyone knows they are a joke, we just kind of have to go along with it, throw on a smile, and suck it up.

this week, however, has been kind of ridiculous.

a few days ago during the class the "teacher" (i say teacher loosely here. it's some outside agency that they bring in to teach huggy feely happy coordination nonsense) asked the question "why do you come to work if you hate your job?" and no one answered. me, being the blunt, straightforward guy i am, decided to say "got to pay rent baby!" apparently that was the wrong answer, because the dude walked up to me, got heated, pointed at me and proceeded to say "WELL THEN YOU'RE JUST A WHORE. YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE NOT EVEN A WHORE BECAUSE WHORES DO IT FOR FREE. YOU'RE A PROSTITUTE!" in front of the entire class.

thanks, chap! what a lunatic.

my secretary wants to get the dude fired, but i really could care less. the best part about this is that him and his wife (both "teachers" at this shindig), want to take the entire class out for drinks after we finish today... DURING WORK HOURS. in order to pass the class we have to go to the local watering hole with them. something about the "celebration phase" of a project or some other happy horseshit that's simply taking time away from me doing real work at my desk.

i seriously must work with the craziest bunch of assholes this side of the equator.

-nick

excited and nervous

2009-09-15T16:29:00.000-07:00

so i think the reality of visiting a foreign country alone is setting in. everything is booked. i'm staying at a really small bed and breakfast right next to the vatican. apparently it's the best in rome; with an incredible host. 5 small rooms and 2 bathrooms. i'm hoping that i will run into other travelers such as myself and make some new friends.

speaking of the vatican, i'm incredibly stoked to get to see it. who would have thought an atheist would be interested, eh? i just can't wait to personally see the extravagance and everything that it directly counteracts with regard to catholicism. however, i won't get into my personal gripes with organized religion here. that could be an entire book.

i bought a new backpack for this little adventure along with some books to help me along my travels:

i've come to realize that i really lost just about all of the italian that i could speak as a kid. after my grandparents passed away i wasn't around italian all the time anymore. i tried to get rosetta stone going, which is free through my job, but there was some hangup with the distribution on the website which kind of left me screwed. i have a translator on my iphone but it's no great shakes. i can understand and speak a bit of spanish, so hopefully i'll be able to get around alright.

have you ever been listening to a song and have it just completely stop you in your tracks? it's weird how our memory works. you hear certain lines that used to float through your head in passing but this time around they feel like a dagger in your throat. listen to "i coulda been a contender" by gaslight anthem. if you know me, maybe you'll get it.

i haven't been tattooed in almost 2 years, and that needs to change. i need to find someone to do my abdomen and someone to start working on my back. i'd like seth wood to do the tops of my hands at some point; which will happen only once i know that it will not negatively affect my career.

i got nothin' else.

-nick

jet setter

2009-09-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

i've been listening to crowbar all night.

also just bought a plane ticket to italy. 10 days and 9 nights in the motherland. just me, a backpack, and getting the hell out of here for a bit. takeoff is in a little over a week.

i've busted my ass my entire life to have this freedom. now that i'm here, it kind of sucks that no one close to me is able to enjoy it with me. can't wait around forever. work hard, play hard.

-nick

austin, tx

2009-09-05T07:54:00.000-07:00

what a brutal week of working 14 hour days. however, i did manage to take a night off and escape down to austin.

i pretty much fell in love with the city. got to go to an old friends coffee shop to shoot the shit and catch up. then explored the downtown and the south congress area. it had such a great vibe. south congress was packed even though it was a thursday night. live music everywhere. definitely saw a chopped and channeled '31 model a blaring about. that's the type of stuff you don't see in nyc.

i really wish i had more time there.

it's good to be home again. lead east is today. totally stoked.

and oh yeah, look at the thank you gift they gave me for judging at the conference:

a robotic bull belt buckle. fuck yeah, texas. should have bought a 10 gallon hat.

other than that nonsense, i think i'm going to pack a backpack and split to italy for a week later this month. fly into rome, spend a couple days there, then bounce to florence. the world is my oyster. i can't wait for other people to catch up anymore. it's time to break out.

-nick

my crazy life

2009-09-02T17:04:00.000-07:00

so, rijel thinks that i should write about my crazy life more often; and i guess since i believe that she's the only one that reads my ramblings, i'll do her a solid and step it up.

rijel, you are a little ball of party. donks and root beer included.

anywho, i'm in texas. it's hot as hell here. there is nothing around me except pawn shops and fast food; which is my typical scenario. i've been working 14 hour days and have had to put up with a few nuisances but so far, so good. i'm here for new technological developments related to robotics... and really, how can that be bad?

yesterday i got to go underground into tunnels where nuclear weapons were stored and worked on during the cold war. seriously, do you know how epic that is? what a piece of history. it was insane.

tomorrow night i think i am going to take a drive down to austin to check it out. i've heard nothing but good things and i have a few spots to peruse, so it should be a good time. i can't come all the way out here and not take the 90 minute drive to see the starting point of stevie ray vaughan. come on people, texas flood. get into it.

i am anxious to get home. lead east is saturday. i am going go drool over cars i shouldn't buy/build because i'm supposed to be saving for a house or something. house schmouse. i want a chopped '49 shoebox.

over and out.

-nick

dog problems

2009-08-31T19:20:00.000-07:00

i genuinely want to be impressed by somebody.

-nick

i'm good. i'm good. i'm good.

2009-08-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

since it seems as though the past few entries of mine have been sort of on the bum-out tip, i figured it was time to stop dwelling on the negative and focus on the positive.

my job has been picking up a bit, and i'm trying to step it up with regard to my responsibilities. i am sort of taking it upon myself to get into some vibrations research work. i think that it'll be a significant challenge because as of yet, nobody has been able to figure out a certain problem. if all goes well, i'll be able to apply the research to my phd thesis and actually use work i'm getting paid for to help me obtain the doctoral degree.

i'm about to head off to texas in a few hours for a conference; and while it'll be a brutal week outside in 100 degree weather all day, i think it'll be a good experience.

so yeah, work is going great, i'm having as much fun as i possibly can, and i'm looking forward to the future. i realized that i really have a lot to be thankful for. the things that i'm unhappy with in my life will get resolved in time.

last night i helped tom with a photoshoot. it also just happened to be of my favorite hip hop group since 2002. wanna talk about pure joy? hahaha see below.

lord willin' was really the first hip hop record that i started listening to REGULARLY. before that i would always listen to rap in passing, but i never really cared enough to follow the people. after clipse showed up on my radar, i was hooked. i can honestly say i know just about every line from every record; every mixtape. getting to meet them was awesome. seeing that they were super animated friendly dudes just happy to be alive was even better. makes me like the music even more now.

here's to a positive outlook.

-nick

no, it doesn't really matter

2009-08-27T22:08:00.000-07:00

-nick

that's life

2009-08-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

this summer is going pretty much the complete opposite of everything i had hoped for. i'm not giving up yet though; maybe fall will be better.

i'm not going back to school until i get some living in.

that's life, that's what all the people say.
you're riding high in april,
shot down in may
but i know i'm gonna change that tune,
when i'm back on top, back on top in june.

i said that's life, and as funny as it may seem
some people get their kicks,
stompin' on a dream
but i don't let it, let it get me down,
'cause this fine ol' world it keeps spinning around

i've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
a poet, a pawn and a king.
i've been up and down and over and out
and i know one thing:
each time i find myself, flat on my face,
i pick myself up and get back in the race.

that's life
i tell ya, i can't deny it,
i thought of quitting baby,
but my heart just ain't gonna buy it.
and if i didn't think it was worth one single try,
i'd jump right on a big bird and then i'd fly

i've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
a poet, a pawn and a king.
i've been up and down and over and out
and I know one thing:
each time i find myself laying flat on my face,
i just pick myself up and get back in the race

that's life
that's life and i can't deny it
many times i thought of cutting out
but my heart won't buy it
but if there's nothing shakin' come this here july
i'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die
my, my

-nick

value of a dollar

2009-08-21T10:33:00.000-07:00

so i was reading CNN.com this morning and i came across this on CNN Money:

Lured Back To Prime Neighborhoods - Thanks to sinking home prices, these 5 homebuyers were able to score deals in areas they couldn't previously afford.

people across the country are getting some incredible deals. a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom condo in a super nice area for a mortgage of $850 a month INCLUDING property taxes? what?!?!?!?

it saddens me to know that NJ will never catch up because of it's proximity to NYC. if i didn't have this amazing job i would be on the first plane outta here.

in other news, i am fairly certain that my iMac has officially shit the bed. if it indeed has, i think i'm going to go buy myself a new desk and one of the new 24" monster iMacs next week. i got a good 5 years out of mine. i'll know for certain what the deal is when i get home from work today.

not much but bad luck lately. where is my karma?

-nick

on my own

2009-08-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

so i came to the realization today that i would like to live on my own once my lease is up in the beginning of december. i've lived with roommates for almost the past 10 years. yes, 10 years. saying that makes me feel like an old man, but it's true. mind you, i am not pulling a nick swardson here. i am talking about actual roommates and not parents. i tossed the car bed out the window when i was 18 years old.

i've never really had a space that was mine and mine alone, and i think that it's time for that to happen. there is something just awkward about a guy being in his late 20's yet still having a roommate. if real estate wasn't still so crazy, i would probably buy a house... but after running the numbers it is just not economically viable versus renting.

i am looking forward to decorating how i want. buying the furniture i want. keeping everything clean (for those of you who have lived with roommates in the past, you know what i am talking about). buying my own trash bags and toilet paper. everything from listening to whatever music i want to at 3am to taking a piss with the bathroom door open whenever i feel the urge.

i am going to start apartment hunting within the next month. i hope to find a decent place in the $1200 range that has a garage available for rent so i can start seriously looking into picking up the perfect pre '54 ride. this number will be tough to come by; but i believe it can be done.

for the record, yes i will be buying the most incredibly comfortable black couch in existence.

/bachelor

-nick

water under the bridge

2009-08-19T06:52:00.001-07:00

i woke up feeling exceptionally refreshed today. i'm not sure why.

i think i just realized that sometimes you have to let a lot of things go by the wayside. life is too short to dwell on the past and overanalyze every little detail. there is no point in being upset about things you cannot control. in the end, it doesn't matter. nothing really matters except accomplishing what you set out for yourself and being happy along the way.

i also accepted a 3 year old apology last night. it was a genuine one at that; but i was so angry at the time and at the situation that i blew it off. i'm glad i picked up my phone and made amends.

i've been thinking about what makes me happy lately. my lease is up in december and i am really hoping i can find an affordable place with a garage so i can buy myself a pre-54 ride. i've come across some really nice cars lately but they are in no shape to be driven as is.

i.e.:

this chopped '41 plymouth!

ideally, i'd like a chopped '49-'51 shoebox... but so many of them are botched beyond repair. it's hard to chop a shoebox right.

someday i'll find the right car and take the plunge.

-nick

karma

2009-08-16T22:28:00.000-07:00

you know, i used to believe in karma, but right about now i'm not so sure.

it's 1:30AM on a sunday night. i have to be up for work in about 6 hours, but my sleeping patterns have been so erratic lately that i'm lucky if i can get 4 hours at a time.

it's probably not the best idea to spill my guts on a public outlet such as this one, so i'm going to refrain.

all i can say is that i'm disappointed and disgusted.

-nick

radio ga ga, radio goo goo

2009-08-14T15:23:00.000-07:00

i think i'm going to use this space to write daily, or at least somewhat daily about whatever happens to be on my mind at the moment.

right now, it seems to be lady gaga.

alright, i'll start this by saying that when i first heard this girl on the radio, i didn't really like the song. all i could remember about it at the time were lyrics about getting so hammered she lost her phone and turned her shirt inside out. curiosity got the best of me though and i wound up getting the record. over time, it grew on me a whole hell of a lot. the songs are ridiculously catchy.

so i figured hey, why not watch some interviews to see if this chick is really just a bat shit crazy broad that likes to dance around in her underwear or... not.

watch these (unfortunately i cannot embed them!)

1) Interview Part 1
2) Interview Part 2
3) Interview Part 3

OH, you're an italian girl from NY who grew up on classical piano? you being crazy is all just an act? andddd you're eloquent and educated? WIN.

did i mention that:

1) girl got a fat asssssssssssssssssssssssss

and

2) in said interview she talks about listening to andrea bocelli and sinatra over dinner

so let's get this straight... she got her name from the queen reference, used to go-go dance to iron maiden, wrote "boys boys boys" as a tribute to motley crue (metal song in a pop jacket), AND she's a phenomenal musician? she gets my approval.

-nick

slow motion

2009-08-13T07:06:00.000-07:00

i feel like everything has been going in slow motion for the past few weeks. my "vacation" to vegas/los angeles was anything but one. in fact, it was pretty much a disaster. i don't want to write too much about it yet. i'll save the whole kit and kaboodle for when tom sends me some of the pictures he took along the journey that was our trainwreck.

work has been slow since i got back to the office. it's either feast or famine. i am so used to working 24/7 that it feels awkward to me. i don't like not being busy. i don't like coming home and not having something important to take care of. maybe i need to find a new hobby... or start playing music again daily. what i should do is get off of my ass and start going back to the gym regularly; i am just lacking motivation.

part of me wants to start preparing for the ph.d. right now, but the other part knows i need to relax for once in my life and focus on myself instead of other people. i can't keep burying myself in work to avoid things that are problematic.

i'm sitting here and thinking to myself, what do i want? where do i want to go? what do i want to do? i don't have answers to some of them. i know things i want in life, places i want to visit, things i want to do/accomplish; but it seems as though most are unattainable alone. by alone; i'm not specifically referring to a significant other. i am simply talking about enjoying said things with friends. i.e. who wants to backpack through europe alone? not me.

i feel like i really blew it during college; i've grown to become an academic success but a social failure. during my undergrad years i mainly kept to myself and split my time between working and studying. i didn't do incredibly well GPA wise; but that only made me get my life into a higher gear after i graduated. once i started graduate school i did not let a single thing stop me from leaving without a 4.0. 3 and a half years later, i left with a perfect GPA. this isn't really a big deal to most people, but it is to me. i'm just a dude from a lower/middle class family who thought affording college was a pipe dream. i never in a million years thought i'd wind up getting a full scholarship for multiple master's degrees. so when that happened, i wanted to make the most of it. the point of this nonsense is that i think i spent a tad too much time working and not enough time having fun. did it pay off? absolutely... but i never partied. ever. in fact, the first time i ever drank in my life was about a month ago. i don't regret my decision to try it. i couldn't go the rest of my life without ever knowing; and i can honestly say i enjoy it in moderation.

i feel as though most people see me through a looking glass as an ultra serious no fun ever workaholic... and for the most part, that has been true. i wish that they could see the other side of me. the one that people like my closest friends see. where i'm making jokes so ridiculous people get the hiccups for 3 days straight. someone at work recommended i do stand up today. seriously? why can't that side come out daily.

maybe this is the quarter life crisis. i've been going so hard for the past... 9 years or so that i guess i never really stopped to sit down and figure out exactly who i am. all i knew was that i wanted to be successful. by standard terms, and by some miracle, that has happened. so now what? i definitely want to keep pushing myself, but the ph.d. is a 6-7 year commitment. do i really want to be 34/35 years old and look back and say "wow, all i did was work my entire life?"

i want to have adventures. i want to experience life and not just stroll through it.

-nick

round two

2009-08-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

so i suppose this is round two. a random place in the middle of internet land for me to jot down my thoughts to keep from going crazy.

even people at work have noticed a change in me. i hold back less during conversation. i care less when it comes to everything except work. i'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

-nick