Bangin' The Headboard

I'm in a bit of an awkward situation right now, and could use some advice. Let me explain...

The apartment complex that I live in has both good and bad qualities.

The good:

- Spacious
- Ridiculously well priced (especially for northern NJ)
- I have my own garage
- Well maintained (aside from a few eyesores here and there)
- Beautiful hardwood floors

The bad:

- The walls are paper thin
- The electrical wiring is old (the breaker trips once in awhile)

Now, since the good far outweighs the bad, I'd like to stay here awhile. It's only about 12 miles from NYC, the 40-45 minute commute to my job isn't really that terrible, the area is really safe, and I'm paying about $500 less a month than I would anywhere else in the vicinity. That's insane.

Normally, noise isn't a problem at all. When living in any older apartment complex, it's expected that you hear people walking around, muffled conversations, TVs on once in awhile, music playing, etc. The good thing is that the people I live with are usually pretty respectful of the time. Once 10-11PM comes around, it's quiet as a mouse. The other night I accidentally had music up around 11:30PM, and my upstairs neighbor came downstairs to ask that I lower it. I did immediately, and felt so bad that I even went to an amazing bakery the next day to buy pastries for them as a peace offering. (Give cannolis to an Italian couple for no reason; see how siked they get. I think I made friends for life.)

My point is that most people are considerate; except for the woman that I share my bedroom wall with.

Said neighbor likes to get down... at all hours of the night. Sunday night it was 3AM. Last night it was 4AM.

Now look; I obviously have no issue with that at all. We're all adults here. Get it, girl. My issue lies with the fact that her headboard bangs our shared wall loud enough to wake me up. If she can hear it (which she obviously can), it means I can hear it, and that's just not being respectful.

So, I thought about some of my options. It's not like I can just leave a note on her door that says something like:

"Hey neighbor. Remember that time I saw you blowing a guy in your kitchen with the window wide open? The way you closed the blinds with his dick still in your mouth was incredible. You have the heart of a champion. I just have a small request. Can you move your bed a couple of inches away from the wall? The way you're gettin' it in at all hours of the night is keeping me up and really screwing with my schedule. Thanks!"

So, here's what I came up with. None of them seem feasible, but for giggles, I'm going to put them here anyway.

1) Fix her piece of shit bed

Give me $40 and 20 minutes in Home Depot. I would engineer that thing to be stronger than a tank. The issue is bringing up why I would like to perform said task. I mean, I already helped her install her air conditioning when summer came around (and she seemed quite appreciative), so maybe she just needs a Mr. Fix It. "Hey, there's no easy way for me to say this, but your headboard is banging into my wall at night. Do you think you could move your bed or let me help you fix it?" Awkward.

2) Embarrass her to the point where she might start being considerate

I remember when I ran into her after the whole kitchen window incident. (Yes, that story above is true.) She turned red. Nothing happened for awhile after that. Maybe if I make a joke about her escapades the next time I see her, she'll get the hint. Or, when she asks how I'm doing, just say "I'm reallllllllllllllllly tired. Someone with a banging headboard is keeping me up at night."

3) Sleep with earplugs in and say nothing

I pretty much refuse to do this. I don't think I should have to. Seeing as the solution to my problem is so simple (just move/fix your bed!), I don't think I should have to grin and bear it.

4) Yell shit through the wall at them

I've come pretty close to saying horrible things through the wall, but have kept my cool thus far. That's just not really the type of guy I am. Besides, I don't think yelling "JUST FUCKING COME ALREADY SO I CAN GO TO SLEEP" will make either of them finish faster.

5) Wait for sweet revenge

If you read my blog, you already know that my dating life is a joke; but I could just wait for sweet revenge. One night she's going to be sleeping soundly, and we'll see who gets woken up. The problem with this is I actually have an amazingly sturdy, heaven-like bed; and I really don't want to piss off the people above me.

So, what would you do, internet? I'm open to suggestions.

-Nick