I looked at my calendar today and realized that I finished graduate school a year ago. I think I finished a lot of things a year ago. People have epiphanies throughout their lives and I feel like I've had more than a few in the past 365 days. My original plan was to finish grad school, take a year off, and then dive into a PhD program. It hasn't exactly worked out like that.
To put it simply, a year off hasn't been enough. It flew by faster than I ever imagined. 9 straight years of working and going to school at the same time has taken its toll. I feel like I missed out on life. I feel like I haven't traveled enough. I feel like I haven't experienced much. The main reason I wanted to go back to school so soon is because honestly, it's really been the only thing I've ever been good at. The usual mantra is bury yourself in work to avoid dealing with things you're unhappy with in life. I can't do it anymore. I've done it my entire life. I can't sign on to a 5-6 year commitment with no days off just so at the end of it someone can call me "doctor". I'll only put myself back into a hole and wake up 35 years old having dedicated what are seemingly the best years of my life (engineers apparently hit their peak around 30) to obtaining a piece of paper. I need to start attempting to find solutions to particular issues before I turn around and my youth is gone.
The things I need to work on aren't out of this universe. I just need to learn how to better socially interact with people. I need to figure out how to work on the perception of my self image as something more than what currently exists. I've made some progress over the past year by opening up and becoming a bit more vocal; but at the same time I feel as though some days I've regressed. It changes daily. All I can do is take it one day at a time.
I think that part of me has mellowed out in the past year when it comes to tunnel vision. Some people used to see me as this guy who was solely concerned with buying a house and driving a nice car. None of that shit really matters to me. Do I want it all someday? Absolutely; and I plan to work hard to get it... but I don't drive an S550 and I am nowhere near close to being able to buy a house in this state. Honestly, I don't want to have to eat ramen and peanut butter and jelly to do so. Fuck that. You only live once. I refuse to be sucked into this rat race. I'll take my modest 1 bedroom apartment and the ability to pretty much go/do whatever I want at any time over that nonsense. If I want something, I'm going to buy it for myself. I'm not saying you don't need to find a balance between "in the now" and the future, but I absolutely refuse to bust my ass and scrimp and save my entire life just to say I own a piece of property.
I feel like I'm standing alone in the middle of a field. I'm done with school for the time being, I have my own place, my bills are paid, I'm almost out of student loan debt, and I'm sitting here trying to figure out what's next.
Guess it's all part of growing up.
-Nick
My perspective is that of a 48 yr old Grandfather of two who spent a good deal of those years on the Hamster wheel of life, otherwise known as the Rat Race. Hindsight being what it is, I couldn't agree with you more.
ReplyDeleteI have no real regrets really, my life has had it's share of good and it's share of hardship...that's the way it goes, I can't change it. But I'll admit that if I had to do it again, I'd change a few things. Actually, I have changed a few things because at my age, hell I have a lot of living yet to do. I try to "live" more, pursue an experience more just to have it then to "achieve" something IE: material success, etc. I've done that and for me the end result was a bit of a letdown. I do realize that there is nothing wrong with achievement but I took it to far. $$ and success became an obsession of sorts and it was far from a fun or healthy way to live.
It's interesting that since I've stopped pursuing the almighty $$, not only have I become more content, er yea, happier...I am actually doing just as well financially and enjoying it a hell of a lot more, believe me..
I'm convinced we are on the planet to live, to experience, to feel this life at it's fullest. I refuse to waste any more of my time at the grindstone.
Great post Nick...
Your world is how you make it, mi hijo. Cliche, cliche...no? Civilizations come and go. Who REALLY MAKES THE RULES?! Do what you feel like doing. Seriously. It's that's easy.
ReplyDeletethormoo - Thanks a lot for the insight. It seems like people I have talked to who have already been through this sort of thing tell me "LIVE WHILE YOU CAN." That statement usually comes out along with a face that screams "NEVER HAVE KIDS." I appreciate your input.
ReplyDeleteSarajevo - When all is said and done, you're absolutely right. I wish I had more of the same outlook on life that you do. By that I mean having the ability to pack up and go/do what you want, when you want. Throwing caution to the wind. I hope to learn someday.
That is one tough choice... live life or get a doctorate.
ReplyDeleteI have choosen the latter so I feel your pain. But if you're passionate/want people to call you doctor bad enough 5 years doesn't seem too bad....
Kristen - Best of luck to you miss. Keep this in mind though: I was the same way as you when I was 24. Aging a bit turned the tide. If you have the ability to steamroll right from grad school into a PhD program, go for it.
ReplyDeleteI forget who said it, but it goes something like this : "Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat." Don't ignore your gut instinct in favor of reason. Enjoy everything that our world has to offer.
ReplyDelete