Reasons I'm Undateable

I was talking about this briefly with someone last night, so I figured I would spill my guts. That's the whole point of this journal thing, isn't it?

I'm about to explain to you why I am single. Part of me thought about using actual mathematics, but in reality, all of the numbers would just be piss poor meaningless generalizations with no value. I may or may not use some charts and graphs, though.

I don't think I'm undateable because I'm some self-loathing prick; it's actually the contrary. I can be quite the charmer (in all aspects) when warranted. (In fact, the coworkers of the last girl I dated didn't even call me by my name. They called me Prince Charming. That about sums it up.)

So, on with it. I give to you: reasons why I'm undateable.

1) I'm atheist.

This is hard for a lot of people to swallow. (That's what she said. Zing!) I can't date someone who is serious about an organized religion. Someone that wants to get married in a church? Never, ever, EVER. This immediately cuts out approximately 90-95% of the general population.

2) I have no desire to have children.

Most women want to reproduce. It's something biological that I simply will never be able to understand. I've written about my thoughts on children before (see this post and this post), so I won't re-hash; but the times are a changin'. "If we can barely take care of ourselves, how are we supposed to take care of someone else?" I will say this though: I am not ruling out kids forever. There may come a time in my life where I meet a woman so amazing my opinion will change. Do I see it happening? More than likely, no.

3) I am not attracted to women in the same ways that most men are.

I already know what you're thinking. "This dude is totally in the closet." Unfortunately, I'm not. I really think if I was gay my life would be a whole hell of a lot easier. I'd certainly be getting more action; that's for sure. What I'm referring to is the following: A girl can be a total knockout, but if she does not have the same amount of drive and ambition that I do toward a career/becoming independently successful, it's a wrap. I'm not even interested in hooking up with them. GASP! Yes, I said it. Hooking up just isn't really my thing. I've only hooked up with 1 girl in my life that didn't result in a headache for me. I don't like headaches. This may or may not be why I have not had sex in almost a year. TMI? I don't care. That's how you know I'm not bullshitting.

4) "Normal" girls are rarely into heavily tattooed men (or decent music, for that matter).

I gave it a whirl. I sincerely did. To a normal girl, I am a weirdo. I'm not bummed about that; but you can bet your ass that most girls in med school would be terrified to take me home to their mom and dad. Master's degrees or not, there is something wacky about a fella with rainbows all over his body to someone who hasn't been exposed to the subculture. I say subculture here because I'm not talking about having 1 tattoo on your shoulder. I am talking about not being able to see skin anymore.

5) (Most) Tattooed girls (who ARE into tattooed gents) are bananas.

After many years of independently funded research, my thesis can be represented by the following chart:



I hate to be that asshole who generalizes, but in my experience, it's been true. You don't meet too many heavily tattooed girls with their shit together on the same level that I have mine. I want to say though that THEY DO EXIST, and I have met some in the past year or so which has been awesome. Unfortunately, I just haven't been attracted to them or they haven't been attracted to me. No big deal. It is what it is.

6) Everyone has boned everybody else.

Frank Turner says this better than I ever could. You should probably listen to his song called This Town Ain't Big Enough For The One Of Me.

"Everybody round here's been out with everybody else. So talking to girls is hazardous to my health. They've been in this gene pool so long they've got wrinkled toes. I don't want all her exes to be people I know."

7) I truly believe that most men do not like women.

Here is an accurate representation of girls I can stand for more than 20 minutes:



Women: We love you, but we hate you. The lack of logic is the nail in the coffin for me. I was born to solve problems. It's what I get paid to do. One of my biggest downfalls is that I have an INSANELY hard time just "listening" to a girl complain. I try to listen, but in the end, I tell them ways they could make everything better. Instead of actually listening to me and giving the solutions a shot, they just get pissed at me for not listening and keeping quiet. I have no patience for that shit, or for people who complain without taking steps to remedy the situation.

8) I god damned hate pets.

I enjoy my animals dead, cooked (sometimes uncooked), and on a plate in front of me to eat. I have absolutely no desire to pick up dog shit, use a lint roller to remove cat hair from my clothes, clean up animal piss inside of a cage, or find a pet-sitter every time I need to leave my house for more than 24 hours. It's just how I am; at least I admit it.

So, add it all up. The slice of the pie left becomes just about nil. This is why I can really relate to Henry Rollins on a whole multitude of levels. Everything from dating to traveling to weight loss to accomplishing goals you set for yourself and not becoming complacent with your life.

However, all hope is not lost. This article on CNN that came out last week made me pretty happy:

Liberalism, atheism, male sexual exclusivity linked to IQ

Well ho-ly fuck. That explains a lot.

Even with all of these things seemingly stacked against me; I don't want people to think I'm some pessimistic misanthrope. I just think my problem is exposure. The more places I visit and the more people I meet, the better chance I have of coming across someone like-minded.

Until next time,

-Nick